Does Your Pet Have CD??? My New Strange Symptoms

I saw a picture of this poor pup on a cushing's blog and it broke my heart. The blog claims he has CD but I can't find much more information on him.

If you see unusual changes in your dogs appearance (swelling, obesity, agressive behavior, hair changes) much like a human cushing's patient, I encourage that you investigate your dog to rule out any health conditions. The bulldog above looks like a very extreme case but who knows what other condition he had and just like us, we all react differently to the disease but I sure as hell felt as swollen as the dog when I was sick. I think in researching animal/canine cases is that the potbelly is very visible and the fur coat looks abnormal. (most horses have the crinkled hair.)  It makes me sad that many get euthanize or suffer silently never going noticed since they cannot talk to us or even complain.  Please watch out for our little angels.

Pot belly in cushing's dog

So I've been quite busy moving and for the past 2 weeks have been over exerting my energy. I am on a higher dosage since my last failed attempt to taper/wean. So far I was feeling okay until last week, ive been feeling nauseous/dizzy/headache combo everyday. At first it feels minor but when it persists for days, it starts to feel too intense. Yesterday I was in a electronic store and just felt like vomiting though I couldn't on an empty stomach and had to be dragged out and laid curled up the whole way home. Everything can trigger it from smells, lighting, temperature or being active. I've also been having a pins and needle feelings on my hands, arms, legs and feet. At first I thought it was a insect biting me but at a closer speculation I notice it's a vein or just some kind of nerve prick. It's happening frequently and is quite bothersome. I can have the sensation on multiple parts simultaneously. I don't know why I am having these symptoms, if anyone has an idea please inform me. I am just at a point where I am tired that there is still no ending to these health issues. Maybe there's still something underlying that needs to be addressed? I just hope I can find a resolution and find some peace in my body.

The Meaning of It ALL..

When I was going through my darkest days, I questioned my will to live. Nobody should suffer that way in any lifetime. I felt a heavy heart and and nothing I did felt right. I had no one that understood the conflict and pain that was going on in me. Throughout the whole process of getting slowly sicker, getting rejected from doctors, friends and family, finding an endo, going through the tests, labs and scans, having surgery, then waiting for recovery--- It felt like it was too much to handle. I felt weak. People told me that I must be strong to still be holding on but I felt like any moment I would let myself slip away and find peace with God.

After all of the suffering, I did not know what I suffered for. Until this happened....

 

 ^sorry I couldn't get the whole message! But I replied to your recent email today!! Stay strong <3

 ^ When I started getting emails, messages, and comments from people (I am keeping their indentity anonymous) who are in the same position I was a few years back. These people are suffering, falling apart, and are on the brink of breaking. They need an answer to it all. That is when I realize my purpose of  all the suffering was to be here for these people, write this blog and tell them, I understand what they are going through. And am the example for them to know that if they hold on, they WILL be okay. These past few months have been getting better. and everyday I am getting stronger inside and out. I never knew how weak I was until I realized how much strength I do have now. If that makes any sense! lol. The weakness, suffering and pain is somehow becoming the strength I have within myself now. I just want to thank again to the recovered women who told me I will be okay. I remember life felt so pointless. My hair was falling out, my face was full of cystic pimples and scars, my face looked like a heavy saggy mask, my body was swollen. I felt like I would never get back to the way I use to look. But the amazing thing is that, I feel more beautiful than ever now than  before. I don't know how it is possible after going through hypercortolism. Maybe it took all of this for me to find strength and self love. I want to thank you for all the people who have reached out to me. And thankyou for reading my blog. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know the meaning of it all and finding the peace inside myself. So please stay strong and I will be there whenever you guys need an ear, a prayer, or an answer or anything. <3

Here are some links for when you want to read more about other patient's stories and you can contact the recovered patients:

http://csrf.net/living-with-cushings/patient-stories/

http://www.cushings-help.com/toc.htm 

http://cushings.invisionzone.com/ 

Recovery

The first thing I am being asked these days is how I'm feeling. First thing I want to say is that I feel grateful to have gotten the tumor out and to be living and breathing. Second thing is... I feel like crap and recovery sucks. I'm sorry to disappoint those who are waiting for me to get better so we can catch up and enjoy our lives together but this process may take a while... I feel the same but worse. The Cushing's syndrome is gone but that doesn't mean that I am back to my normal self. Not yet atleast. I still have to deal with the aftermath of what this illness has done to my body and mind throughout the years that I've been living with it. As you can see my headline use to say "from diagnosis to recovery", but I now added "cure". Silly me for thinking being in recovery is the same as being cured.  They are two very different things and I am no where near being or feeling cured. Being cured I would say is when my remaining adrenal glad wakes up and starts producing the hormones it should then sends the message to my pituitary gland to balance more hormones so I can function normally physically and mentally. Mainly cortisol is what my body needs.  Funny how it created so much problems and imbalances in my body --got rid of it, but now I am struggling to get some of it back in order to function and live. I am barely learning what this recovery process really is.

Okay so how am I really feeling? Like a punching bag. I feel as if I still have Cushing's with all the symptoms but magnified. Now that I don't have cortisol, I don't have any anti-inflammation help so I feel every ache and pain in my body. To top things off I don't know if it's because of the chemical imbalances in my brain or the medication i'm taking but I am experiencing extremely poor memory, concentration and confusion. I am struggling to write this post I keep looking back to reread because I forgot what the previous sentence I wrote is about. I find myself standing around forgetting what I was going to do, blanking out, fumbling and switching words during conversation, and last night thinking the my phone was the remote. lol that is funny but not really when the forgetful person is you. You know the feeling of struggling to look for your keys before leaving the house, you look everywhere and in the end it was in your pocket or on the countertop.. Well that is how I feel all day lol. The alarming thing is that it is appearing to gradually get worse ever since the surgery. I seem to not comprehend anything people are saying and my short term memory is terrible so forgive me if this entry sounds repetitive or not make sense. I see muffin laughing at the tv but I just feel confused because I can't follow the plot. I asked him to rate my cognitive functions from when we first met and he told me I use to be so sharp and was a 10 and now I am a 6!! I need to start playing suduko and crosswords!! When I wake up, as one of my cushie friend describes is feeling like I am waking up from the dead no joke. My limbs are aching and I had no idea I had arm pains until now. I am so itchy from the dry skin and my hair is falling out double the amount. I've been writing down all of my symptoms and concerns on a note pad and talked to my docs. They say it's all normal and its usual symptoms of cortisol withdrawal. I have not experienced the vomiting and shakes but that is probably because I am on 30 mg of hydrocortisone daily. My body is not accustomed to that less of an amount but it will and gradually I will have to work with my docs to slowly taper off the meds each month until lefty wakes up. which could take up to a year. I wanted to try to taper off the meds myself but I read horror stories of adrenal insufficiency or crisis where the women end up in the ER. I do not want to end up back there! Another girl I talked to said she self tapered and was about to pass out before her roomate found her. I may be stubborn and like to self experiment but I do not want to go back to hospital so I will take my meds at correct doses and time =]. I just hope I don't forget!

I also made a list of the good things. The moonface has been shrinking, I'll post up some before and after pics soon. My family members say I am more upbeat. And I have been sleeping ALOT. I can literally close my eyes and take a nap right now. I feel less bloated from not retaining salt. I've lost 5 lbs of like water weight I was retaining and my appetite is feeling normal again. my shoes are loose on me again. My surgeon said my wounds are healing slowly from the surgery but that is expected from cushing's, still they are healing. This recovery process is tricky, my doc says the symptoms of cushings is a lot like the recovery symptoms. I understand why people say it is slow and frustrating.. I also experience chills at night and shooting muscle pains. I also feel my allergies again. Which is a good thing to feel right?

To those of you who want to see me, I'm sorry I cannot be the friend, sister, cousin, daughter, niece I can be right now. As much as I try to push, I cannot physically and mentally make my body recover any faster than it wants. I need to learn that patience is required throughout this whole process. There is no shortcut in looking and feeling healthy. Everyday I am relearning what my body is telling me. Actually i'm learning how to live life again. Mostly I just feel confused but I am trying my best... I use to feel so betrayed by my body but now I need to listen to it. I have nightmares every night about Cushing's returning and fear I will forever be broken. I fear the most that the anxiety, depression, and panic attacks will come back. I want to make sure they are gone for good and never return. I know right now a lot of things are out of whack and that's why I feel the way I do and the prolonged recovery adds to the frustration. But now when I wake, I know things can only get better day by day. I texted my surgeon to thank him for fixing me and he responded "it will take some time and adjusting but rest assured you are fixed-- do everything to remember you are fixed now."

LOVE love yourself

I recently talked to some women who have recovered from Cushing's and they have been so helpful with giving me insight on how to be a Cushie and how to recover from it. So thank you ladies. One thing that struck out is that all of them told me I need to love myself more in order to have a good recovery. For some reason, most Cushie's blame themselves for becoming this way including myself. I spoke with a lady named Julie and she said "I think the most important thing I want to tell you is to not beat yourself up over what has happened.  Cushings is a medical problem.  You did nothing to deserve it; it just happened.  You will recover but the process will be slow.  You must be very kind to yourself as you recover.  You must surround yourself with people who love and support you." Thank you so much for telling me that Julie. 

So far my symptoms are somewhat under control besides the muscle and joint pains. My awesome doc prescribed some beta blockers that has been helping the anxiety feeling and rapid heart beat. My lovely boyfriend has been giving me massages at night so It helps plus I try not to be on my feet for longer than thirty minutes. Also My wonderful sister has been coming over to help with whatever I need to do in the day time. The memory loss and lack of focus is an issue but oh well I prefer not to remember much these days anyways lol. Before knowing about my condition I thought all these symptoms were due to me getting older and use to joke about it but truly feel like a senior citizen now lol.  Another helpful advice I got was to not fight it and get frustrated but rather have acceptance that some things I simply cannot do I don't have control over and it is okay. it's just temporary. It's okay to have others do things for you in the mean time. For the longest I have been pushing myself to work, study, drive, cook, clean, run errands, going out with friends or seeing family. Seeing friends and family is the worst because they have so much expectations and for some reason they want to be too involved suggesting too many things but hearing all their assumptions of "oh you must feel this way" "oh you need to do this and that" is not very helpful because they have no idea the mental aspect of this syndrome. Yes online there are lists of what a cushing's patients physical symptoms are but there should be a long list of the mental, cognitive, emotional signs and symptoms. I no longer have the energy to explain to people what goes on in my brain of how this syndrome causes me to feel. That I can only be around certain people who are with me 24/7 or from day one who do not trigger my panick attacks since they understand how to handle it. I now have to limit conversations with my mom. I know with family it's from a place of sympathy and love and I love them to death but for a cushie, it just feels overwhelming... All the women i've spoken to told me the fastest thing that recovers after surgery is that their state of mind changed instantly and the anxiety was gone. So I look forward to having that normal feeling back. whatever "normal" is since I thought all of these feelings were normal but they aren't.

 I've always given in to expectations of others and myself because I don't want to lose control over what I can and cannot do but I think It's time for me to know my limits and see it as a step to loving myself more. I found some videos and other fellow recovering cushie's that's been so instrumental to me.

- sharmyn's story youtube
-Steph's picture timeline
-Cushing's disease, moods, bi-polar youtube
-puremoonlite's recovery youtube

Feeling defeated

Today is rough. Let me warn you this is entry is full of me complaining. It's cold outside and this morning I went to take the dogs down and my muscle and joints are in so much pain I just stood there for five minutes bc I couldn't even move an inch with stabbing pains all down my thighs n legs. I'm so frustrated I can't do anything right now. I walk and get dizzy after five minutes. Last week I was cooking and lost all train of thought and put soap into the food i was cooking. I can't make any kind of plans because I don't know if I can make it through the day without this awful fatigue. I wake up every morning with headaches. When I eat anything i feel a heart attack coming. I can't carry on a full conversation without moments of blanking out. I hate this I wish I can get surgery now but it's all about waiting. I wish I had some kind of control over my mind and body but all I can do is wait for everything its so frustrating......... To wake up everyday and see your health declining so rapidly is very hard to accept. I am a prisoner in my own body and mind. I know I have so many things to be grateful for but it's getting harder everyday. I pray to god I have the strength to get through this. I know I will. I just needed to complain. -___-