Losing Your "Spark"

I talked to a Cushie friend of mine a while back and we talked about how great it feels to be looking more like ourselves these days. Shopping has been so enjoyable, to the point of becoming a shopping addiction. I was always a shopaholic before but now I feel like I want to buy everything I try on so this is not good for my piggybank but who cares I feel great about it! Another thing we talked about was though we look so much better than during our Cushings days, we still feel like our face has changed... like we lost our "spark". You know the feeling of how fresh faced and bright eyed you looked in your Highschool or College pictures but now you look in the mirror and see tired looking version of your old self? I mean, we both are very young but after Cushing's, and Adrenal insuffiency, we don't have that glow anymore.

During the early stages of my sickness I already noticed that my eyes looked different. It seem to have a blank stare instead of an emotion. In most pictures my eyes would look dead even when I am smiling. Then a few years into Cushing's, my eyes seemed like they were getting smaller and my eyelids got really heavy like I couldn't open my eyes wide. My nose looked like it was growing. I felt like my whole face got heavy that I just looked like I was frowning all the time. Then my lips which use to be my favorite feature began to look thinner. My skin was becoming reddish orange tinted and the acne was growing on top of my skin. I just felt like everything changed dramatically from the fresh face I use to have.

At that time, there was nothing I could do to fix my physical appearance but I had alot of people suggesting what they think I should do. It was overwhelming. I am happy to say that 11 months out of surgery, everything is improving so much. Everything that I mentioned above seemed to reverse. It's crazy but it was like the Cushing's literally melted off my face and body. Still being adrenal insufficient isn't easy. I feel tired all the time and my face does too. Even though I look the same as before, maybe even skinnier... The fatigue hasn't left my face. My under eye circles are getting darker and I still feel that tiredness in my eyes even though I can open in wider now. I hope in time when my hormones start raising up that I can see that spark again. But until then, make up, filters and a good sleep is my best friend =] Here are some makeup tips I've been posting on IG. People ask why I don't start a makeup youtube but I am too awkward on camera so I am easing my way into it with some "how to" snapshots!

Barefaced with just my eyebrows and lipbalm on ^.<

Blue Eyeliner helps your eye whites look whiter so you look more awake

Blue Eyeliner :)

 Now If you want something more dramatic for a night time....

Add some fuller false lashes and darker eyeshadow for a night time look

Make up can make you beautiful on the outside but being gracious will make you beautiful on the inside.

YouTube Videos

So I am still not feeling well since the flu last week. I feel like I am getting sick all over again if that is even possible. I guess I will repost my youtube video here. The discussion on my video is more than I could ever imagine. I thought I would identify with very few people but so far the feedback is amazing. I want to thank you guys for sharing and supporting the cause for awareness. PS if you want to see the captions you gotta watch it on youtube or fullscreen. I'm still trying to figure out how to fit the whole caption but I think people get the idea lol.

You Deserve the BEST Healthcare! & Why I Avoid Doctors & Clown Life

Hi guys, I just want to say sorry for the intense entry last post. I am still in the stages of Recovery and if any Cushie could tell you, it is quite the roller coaster of emotions. And It was the last thing I expected from a friend during my recovery to do but that's life. I remember reading somewhere about a story about how ducks tend to flap their wings a few times after a stressful event or even a a fight to release their stress out of their system then they move on. Well I guess writing is my way of flapping my wings to let the stress out of my system. LOL anyways, I wanted to talk about getting the most out of your healthcare.

It seems as this is a very common problem that patients face. We go to see a doctor for a symptom and somehow we get rushed out of the docs office realizing we forgot to tell them the most important thing and the tests we wanted
them to order or the medications you were interested in. And then sometimes we just get ignored by the doctor because we don't "look sick" enough. When I first noticed symptoms of irregular periods and hairloss, I went to see a doctor. I told her I was worried about my period and the doctor gave me a pap smear. She then told me everything down there looked normal so I would be okay. She then looked at my hair and gave me a look like I was crazy and told me there was nothing abnormal about my looks and sent me home. In a way I felt like doctor knows best but I couldn't help feeling that she could have done more for me as a doctor and I had much more questions that went unanswered as a patient. So a few months later I went to see another doctor. This time I wrote down all of my symptoms and how long they have been persisting. I then hand the list to my new doc. The doctor then tells me I looked like a healthy young lady and even though I am gaining a little weight, I was still small in the doctors opinion. They then talked to me about birth control pills that would help regulate my menses and maybe help with the hormonal symptoms. I knew that BCP was not what I wanted and that I wanted to figure out what was causing the symptoms rather than masking it. But at the time I was too timid to ask these doctors since they are the expert and the are so fast paced that it was hard to get a word in. So I left feeling like I just wasted more time and co pay for nothing. So, I took their word for it. I guess I was healthy but little did I know. I was very sick.

Having these bad experiences at the doctors seemed to repel me from going to get my annual checkups. I made every excuse not to have to go see a doctor. They will just ignore me, they will just waste both our time, my money, and I will get prescribed things I don't want or need to take. So it took years later when I finally gave up and saw an Endocrinologist. A very expensive one I might add. I thought I was young and healthy and did not need health insurance.. Boy was I wrong about that one too. Well the month leading up to seeing my endo, I made another list of symptoms. This list was a very long one. I felt as if I was making these things up in my head as I was writing them down because it just seemed so dramatic. My list included: sad feelings, crying spells, rollercoaster mood changes, fat cheeks, no periods, belly fat, bloating, acne, hairy face and arms :( tired, joint pains, red face, orange hands, no bowel movement, hunger, weight gain, darkness on my neck oh yeah and armpits! and many more :( It just seemed like a list of symptoms for a sad clown but yes it was all real and all mine. Well I handed the list to my endo and he gave me the eyebrow and stared into my soul. It can also be very distracting that he was the most handsome Doctor I have ever met. And so he looked at me and started typing down all of my symptoms into his computer. Again, I felt the sense of being ignored. He then asks, " you ever heard of PCOS? Ever thought about BCP? I said no, But I am sure I don't have PCOS. I then tell him that I wanted to get to the root of my problem. He then gave me another high brow stare and said he'll do everything he can to figure out what is troubling me. I felt like I hit the jackpot. He then ordered every test under the sun and a few months later he weeded out the high cortisol as the source of concern. I had to take many dexamethasone tests maybe 4 times, then we moved on to 24 hour urinary analysis, saliva, and more blood tests. Everytime the results were positive but he kept making me repeat these tests. At one point I remember I felt like I was hitting a wall and all these tests were wasteful and pointless. I felt as if my fear was that he would be like every other doctor and send me home with no solution. A few weeks pass as I stood by my phone waiting for his call. He calls and tells me to immediately go get a CT that he ordered and I did. A week later I finally get my answer. This time I was glad I stuck through and found myself a diamond of a doctor. He saved my life.

I guess this story is to remind others that you need to be adamant about your health. You know your body the best. I get that doctors are the expert but they cannot diagnose you in the first visit. Sometimes if you feel like your symptoms are persisting. You have to demand to be tested for everything. Go look for a specialist who have treated people with your symptoms. You don't go to a chiropractor to get your tooth cavity fixed. Write down your symptoms. Track any changes. The process of diagnosing could take months and years. Be patient but be persistent. Never take no for an answer if you know you need medical intervention And mainly don't give up on yourself. You deserve the best service you can because it is your life. Have a healthy day!

I Want Perfection

I know I tend to repeat this subject but it is something of importance for me my whole life. I have battled self esteem problems and writing about it helps me move forward.As you guys already know, I have experienced bullying and fat shaming as a child. When I became a "tween" I made a promise to myself that I would not be that fat tomboy girl anymore. I would be the girl that people admired. I wanted to be the perfect skinny, beautiful girl with nice things. I wanted to be liked by everyone and popular in school. I wanted to be so perfect, that nobody could say or find anything wrong about me. So I went on a diet with my sister and I got down to a low weight. I felt perfect for a while but deep down I felt so much self hate and doubt. I felt like the most insecure girl. When I hungout with friends I would think about how skinny they were. They had better arms or a flatter stomach than me. I compared myself in the pictures with other girls and picked out a body part that I needed to work on. Why was this girl so perfect and likable and I am not? I assumed she was prettier so that was why.

I don't know how many diets I've tried throughout the years. My first time was when my aunts called me fat and told me I shouldn't eat the cake at Golden Corral. I went to the restroom and cried and threw up the food I ate. When green tea pills were trending to lose weight, I started taking the pills. I remember trying to take metabolife and I think they had lawsuits and stopped producing those lol. I took a subway footlong and cut it into four pieces and ate a piece every few hours and nothing else. I worked out 4 hours a day at the gym then came home and did workout videos. I've tried every herbal remedy and diet teas out there to lose weight. I remember at my thinnest, I still felt huge even though people said my weight was too low. My weight would yo yo and I just couldn't stop fixating on my flaws. I would say I was obsessed with my looks. I was vain but I couldn't stop myself I was addicted to finding my flaws and trying to fix it. My hair was too wavy, frizzy, I had hairy arms, my belly was too big, I had pimples, I am too tall (yes LOL I am only 5'4) etc.. I had trouble embracing my looks and I had no idea what inner beauty was. I had no sense of self or morals. I just wanted to look perfect on the outside. I didn't feel like I was ever smart enough but I knew I looked pretty decent. What needed improvement was my mentality and self worth.

Pre Cushing's at my thinnest. I felt like a fat girl trapped in a small body.

Being sick with Cushing's pushed me to the edge. I had so much self worth in my looks that I was nothing without it. I hated myself for how I looked. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I blamed myself for getting sick because I was so vain all these years and I deserved all that was happening to me. People talked about my looks and I thought this was the worst thing I have been afraid of my whole life. When I was diagnosed with Cushing's I accepted that this was what it is. I began to stop fighting myself and finding inner acceptance. My security blanket was gone and I was forced to face my fear. Sure some days were easier than others. But I took a real hard look into myself to find something good about me. I realized one of my biggest fears happened. I was fat, hairy and pimply. And got called out for it. But I was still alive. I accepted it all. I still had people around me at my worst. I had support. Still I was ashamed at times for what I looked like. But now I see that what I was doing before was all wrong. I am so thankful for this to have happened to me for me to finally realize my self worth. And I am thank ful that I have never felt more perfect now than ever. As the layers of shame, fat, acne started to melt away, I am left with just me. I still have my days where I feel not smart enough or prettiest but I am okay with that. I would rather radiate inner beauty any day than be the prettiest girl in the room who is vapid, vain, and conceited. Because looks will fade but not my inner true self. Much love you guys! Let's all have cake and enjoy ourselves =] Here's some progress pics. My next post will be about my eating habit and lifestyle during recovery.

RECOVERY 11 Months

FEVER FLU and Adrenal Insuffiency

Hi there quick post. I am feeling extra sick. This feels like the time I had a fever a month ago and I don't know why I am getting it so often. I wonder if that is normal for A.I. but I need to double up on the steroids. I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I have a headache, sore throat, weakness, and I cannot focus. Earlier I did not recognize the street I was on. That was pretty alarming. I don't know if It is all related but I hope things will resolve soon. Alright that's all I got for today.

Cushing's Awareness Day

So I am a newbie here. I didn't know that April was the month to write a post everyday for 30 days for Cushing's awareness. I am 8 days late but I will try to catch up. Who's counting eh? Lets talk about symptoms and progress. Oh yeah thanks Marian for updating me on this!!

It's been almost 10 months since my adrenalectomy. Symptoms I still have is rapid heartbeat for certain things. Food can trigger it, high activity, social anxiety and caffeine. It's not as bad as before but it still happens maybe 2 or 3 times a week. No more panic attacks! YAY! No more paranoid feelings when I am out. The depression is much better. I find myself enjoying life more. I am socializing again and doing more of my hobbies. My menses come once every two months. I am getting more tired lately and extra unmotivated to get things done. I don't know if it is related but before I could multitask and wake up early but now it feels impossible to get out of bed. My memory is getting pretty crappy. The short term memory is bad. I repeat things and lose things that are right in front of me. Everyday is a struggle. Can't remember what I am studying and my textbook is a puzzle to me. I will be getting a brain MRI in a week to figure out why I am having headaches every night and the memory problems. THE STRUGGLE IS REALLLL lol hmmm.. weight is still stable. I am eating lots of fast food, takeout and restaurants. I have mad sugar cravings. Still get faint often.. The nurse says I have low blood pressure so i guess that's why I will eat a cookie then crave another piece of chocolate. SIGH I hope this won't make me gain weight once my hormones regulate.. I have absolutely no motivation to eat healthy and go workout or be productive versus before surgery I was working, going to school, eating super healthy and working out. Now I have to find great effort to do simple things. My bones still hurt, I tried to squat and heard my knees crack and pop and it hasnt stopped cracking ever since so I guess no squats for me. lol I will probably get a fat ass from eating all these carbs i'm inhaling anyway. The hairy-ness is sooo much better. This guy in my class said he hates hairy arms and asked to look at mines and said I had nice hairless arms. HA! He should have seen me a year ago. I was a furry hamster... But yeah I shaved my whole body and the hair growth is much thinner and almost blonde so that is very good progress. The acne is better as you saw in my last video.. But I still get pimples here and there so I still feel paranoid about that. The hair on my head is filling up nicely. Just got a fresh cut and now my hair feels so soft! Okay there's so more stuff but I don't remember so I will post a better blog next time. I am a little distracted right now =] Here's some pics of my haircut and progress pic!

Loving this hair. I did not change my color this is a box color from walgreens =]

Recovery is a beautiful roller coaster. Hello dimple, never thought I would see you again.