NEW INSTAGRAM & HEALTH UPDATE

Hii! I changed my instagram handle to VANDALISST
Link: instagram.com/vandalisst
         


To anyone who still wishes to contact me about cushing's disease or interested to see what's going on in my life or new selfies please look for my new instagram name vandalisst. I still get messages, comments and emails regarding Cushing's disease so do not hesitate to ask me any questions!


***And to update on my health and why I was feeling bad, my cortisol was a bit lower than average but also my thyroid is a bit low. I am not sure if all of that relates to why I was feeling terrible but I also know when I go too long without a period I feel horrible so I just pray I can have normal periods so I can feel 100% in the future.

Test Results & New Video Update!

Hi guys, I was bored surfing on youtube and clicked on my channel only to see that the Cushing's video views are up to 14k with many comments. It has really made me happy that people are watching, talking, connecting and raising awareness for Cushing's syndrome and disease. Thank you all the viewers, subscribers and for the shares on youtube. I feel a sense of connection from the community to one another and my goal is to make this illness a little more known out there. I wish I could get an already famous youtuber to just shout us out and so we can have a bigger amount of awareness.

It's easy to forget as time goes by. We get this illness and write blog about it but then once we recover we forget how hard it was and how rare it is.  I get that sometimes we just want to forget about what had happened and move on from our life and life begins to feel better so we don't really care to complain on blogs but you guys, please keep sharing your story to the world because you might just save one person's life for viewing your story. There has to be people who are proactive about awareness for every other disease for it to be well known so we need to do this for our Cushie family. Sorry if I sound all preachy but I really hurt when I get these emails of people who are going through the same thing I was a few years ago when the disease was in the early stages. Being misunderstood, misheard, ignored. I was reading a story of a celebrity who is depressed, gained alot of weight and can't lose it and I just wonder do they know about CD? Or I walk down the street and see a person with a moonface and buffalo hump and wonder if they know they are sick?

Fluctuating Test results. Not sure if it's improvement but hey better than having high cortisol!

Well I have some big Cushing's News coming up that I want to share in my next blog. It's still in the works. I am really excited about it! If you haven't already, please comment and keep the converstation going!! Here's my moon face again =]

My 2013 Video

Here's my updated 2014 video:

MY RELATIVES HAVE ADRENAL TUMORS!

WOW So my mom told me a few weeks ago that she has a cousin named Mai in Vietnam who had an adrenal tumor. I was in disbelief since this is supposedly a "rare" tumor but someone in my bloodline has one too. I was curious to know more so I asked for my mom's cousins contact and wrote to her. She then responds to me a week later to confirm that she did indeed have a adrenal tumor. Due to the language barrier it was hard to communicate but from what She told me she did not have Cushing's Syndome but another syndrome called Pheocromocytoma  Syndrome. Her first surgery was unsuccessful but her second time was a success because they removed the whole gland with tumor. Ans she does not have to take Steroids since it is not like Adrenal insuffiency.. It was very hard to think that we have a connection. Upon discovering this crazy crazy revelation, Mai mentions that her cousin (Nancee) from California also has an adrenal tumor and Cushing's Syndrome and was diagnosed this year and had her surgery in April... What.... Another distant relative from my mom's side has an adrenal tumor AND Cushing's?? This is so hard to believe yet an amazing discovery.. I then was more curious to speak to Nancee and waited to get into contact with her.

Another week passes by and Nancee responds. She also confirms that she has an adrenal tumor and Cushing's syndrome. She is 42 and has had Cushings for about 6 years and had her surgery this April. Her symptoms are classic CD symptoms much like mines and now in recovery. Just like ours, her recovery is rough mostly with the depression and body pain. We then relate to our bad experiences with most doctors and endos who have not treated adrenal patients and are usually baffled by our cases.

I just can't seem to put together this fact that two of my distant relatives had the adrenal tumors and all this time I believed that it was a rare tumor that only affects a 2 out of a million people. We know that not all families get Adrenal/ Pit tumors or have CD but what about the ones that do? What is the connection? Why do endos, text books and online research claim that Cushing's is an isolated disease when now there is evidence that it does happen to family members. Just like the other story I posted about the brother and sister who both had CD? Now It's more evidence to support this theory and for us to believe that Cushing's is not isolated and very much prevalent.

 FORGET WHAT THE DOCTORS, INTERNET AND TEXTBOOKS TELL YOU. How is this possible??? I will try to investigate.

Does Your Pet Have CD??? My New Strange Symptoms

I saw a picture of this poor pup on a cushing's blog and it broke my heart. The blog claims he has CD but I can't find much more information on him.

If you see unusual changes in your dogs appearance (swelling, obesity, agressive behavior, hair changes) much like a human cushing's patient, I encourage that you investigate your dog to rule out any health conditions. The bulldog above looks like a very extreme case but who knows what other condition he had and just like us, we all react differently to the disease but I sure as hell felt as swollen as the dog when I was sick. I think in researching animal/canine cases is that the potbelly is very visible and the fur coat looks abnormal. (most horses have the crinkled hair.)  It makes me sad that many get euthanize or suffer silently never going noticed since they cannot talk to us or even complain.  Please watch out for our little angels.

Pot belly in cushing's dog

So I've been quite busy moving and for the past 2 weeks have been over exerting my energy. I am on a higher dosage since my last failed attempt to taper/wean. So far I was feeling okay until last week, ive been feeling nauseous/dizzy/headache combo everyday. At first it feels minor but when it persists for days, it starts to feel too intense. Yesterday I was in a electronic store and just felt like vomiting though I couldn't on an empty stomach and had to be dragged out and laid curled up the whole way home. Everything can trigger it from smells, lighting, temperature or being active. I've also been having a pins and needle feelings on my hands, arms, legs and feet. At first I thought it was a insect biting me but at a closer speculation I notice it's a vein or just some kind of nerve prick. It's happening frequently and is quite bothersome. I can have the sensation on multiple parts simultaneously. I don't know why I am having these symptoms, if anyone has an idea please inform me. I am just at a point where I am tired that there is still no ending to these health issues. Maybe there's still something underlying that needs to be addressed? I just hope I can find a resolution and find some peace in my body.

Tapering Steroids+ Adrenal Insuffiency= Me Fainting

HORMONES AFFECT EVERYTHING. Long ass entry today =]
Two weeks ago my doctor told me I need to try to lower my steroid dosage as the less I have in my system, the more likely my pituitary and adrenals will realize they need to start working again. If I don't feel well then to up the dosage to something that makes me feel a bit normal. I went from 15mg to 10mg and boy does it make me feel sick. Who would think that this little difference would make such a huge impact to my overall health. So far since tapering, I have had a sinus infection which was so horrible I have never had one of those in my life. A cold and sore throat. And then now I am having lady problems and stomach aches. I went to see the doctor and they told me that my pap smear exam was abnormal and want to do further testing for infection.. Oh yeah not to mention I fainted twice this week.

The feeling of Adrenal Insufficiency is that the longer you go having it, the worse it feels for your body to have to do the work without the help of it's sister glands functioning. I have a dull headache, bad allergies, a terrible feeling of nausea that lasts all day. It feels like one minute I think I am feeling better then boom like clockwork I feel like I was punched in the face with the nausea. I feel dizzy. There is numbness and tingling that come and go on my limbs. My heart feels like it is working extra hard to beat. And overall I feel a sense of lethargy, tiredness, and worn down. Oh yeah not to mention my face is so tired that my under eyes look like black panda eyes since tapering.

Excuse my complaining but let's keep it real here.
I look different today? I just don't have any make up on!

Today while I was trying to make some icecream, I blacked out in the kitchen. At first I felt the tingles on my face and fingers. Then turned into numbness all over. I couldn't breathe. I felt a heavy pressure on my head that traveled down to my legs and my legs couldn't hold my body up I just fell. I have been fighting the fainting since tapering. Ever since the last incident a few months ago I've been scared. I feel the tingles when I am doing house work, when I drive, and even just standing up from laying or sitting. I try to not stand up quickly. I worry when it will happen next. I may be hovering the edge of a full blown crisis if I taper any lower.

Adrenal Insufficiency =]

  In my head I think that the less steroids I take, the quicker I recover. That is not the case. You will only hurt yourself. So, as much as I want to taper down and continue progress. I feel like this is too much for my body to handle at this moment. I know that 15mg is the sweet spot but I think I need to perhaps just take it down a notch to 14mg and see how good it does me. I just want to let others preparing for recovery that it is best to taper slowly. You cannot jump from 30mg to 20mg and so on then think you are progressing because your body will notice the difference.

 Nobody of normal health could tell you this because there is limited information about recovery but I am telling you. SLOW DOWN and let your body heal. Hormones affect everything and a recovered patient once told me that this is comes with the territory. Listen to your fellow cushies. You need the steroids to help your compromised immune system. I heard someone shaving their pills down a bit to slow taper. Now I think that is smart and what I should be doing. I really hope I will feel better when I increase the meds. Sometimes it just sucks, why us right? We get fucked by Cushing's then trade it for AI. But just remember all that you fought for. And all the progress you made. Atleast you are far away from the moonface and panic attacks. Just have a bit more patience.

^Recognize the symptoms of a crisis^

Low Cortisol Level 1 Year Later =(

I thought I was making more cortisol but nope... As a matter of fact my cortisol levels went down from my test from 3 months ago. It looked as if my levels were raising up probably because of residual medications. I am wondering why it's taking my right adrenal such a long time to work? Oh well. It still explains alot of why I feel nauseous, weepy and fainty often.

My Feature Story On Cushing's Support and Research Foundation

I will frame this!

So I received my spring Cushing's support and research foundation (csrf) in the mail. I was so excited to read it. Inside has a lot of interesting new research on the disease and doctors answers for questions people want to know about Cushings. I thought I knew all about it through my own research and experience but it had alot of answers and information I did not know. It also talks about cyclical cushing's which is harder to diagnose and alot of people have been emailing me about why they have all the symptoms and features of cushing's but their test are never positive. So I think that we always have to prepare for other possibilities. I am not a doctor to say whether you have it or not but I do encourage anyone to find a professional to investigate to why they aren't feeling "normal". Also the newsletter features patients stories.

Well I read this newsletter a few times and not once did I realize my story was featured inside the newsletter until a cushie emailed me saying they saw my story! Wow, I feel so honored to be chosen to share my story to csrf readers. My feature page was stuck together so I had no idea it existed but thank you Benji for informing me! I hope you are feeling better these days. I want to thank CSRF, cushies, and supporters. To help me through hard times and to share my story for awareness. You guys are everything.

Stress is not the cause of Cushing's. Having Cushing's causes stress.
 But it sure will feel worse if you're in a stressful situation!

Most Cushies suffer from bad memory, I still do.

Losing Your "Spark"

I talked to a Cushie friend of mine a while back and we talked about how great it feels to be looking more like ourselves these days. Shopping has been so enjoyable, to the point of becoming a shopping addiction. I was always a shopaholic before but now I feel like I want to buy everything I try on so this is not good for my piggybank but who cares I feel great about it! Another thing we talked about was though we look so much better than during our Cushings days, we still feel like our face has changed... like we lost our "spark". You know the feeling of how fresh faced and bright eyed you looked in your Highschool or College pictures but now you look in the mirror and see tired looking version of your old self? I mean, we both are very young but after Cushing's, and Adrenal insuffiency, we don't have that glow anymore.

During the early stages of my sickness I already noticed that my eyes looked different. It seem to have a blank stare instead of an emotion. In most pictures my eyes would look dead even when I am smiling. Then a few years into Cushing's, my eyes seemed like they were getting smaller and my eyelids got really heavy like I couldn't open my eyes wide. My nose looked like it was growing. I felt like my whole face got heavy that I just looked like I was frowning all the time. Then my lips which use to be my favorite feature began to look thinner. My skin was becoming reddish orange tinted and the acne was growing on top of my skin. I just felt like everything changed dramatically from the fresh face I use to have.

At that time, there was nothing I could do to fix my physical appearance but I had alot of people suggesting what they think I should do. It was overwhelming. I am happy to say that 11 months out of surgery, everything is improving so much. Everything that I mentioned above seemed to reverse. It's crazy but it was like the Cushing's literally melted off my face and body. Still being adrenal insufficient isn't easy. I feel tired all the time and my face does too. Even though I look the same as before, maybe even skinnier... The fatigue hasn't left my face. My under eye circles are getting darker and I still feel that tiredness in my eyes even though I can open in wider now. I hope in time when my hormones start raising up that I can see that spark again. But until then, make up, filters and a good sleep is my best friend =] Here are some makeup tips I've been posting on IG. People ask why I don't start a makeup youtube but I am too awkward on camera so I am easing my way into it with some "how to" snapshots!

Barefaced with just my eyebrows and lipbalm on ^.<

Blue Eyeliner helps your eye whites look whiter so you look more awake

Blue Eyeliner :)

 Now If you want something more dramatic for a night time....

Add some fuller false lashes and darker eyeshadow for a night time look

Make up can make you beautiful on the outside but being gracious will make you beautiful on the inside.

YouTube Videos

So I am still not feeling well since the flu last week. I feel like I am getting sick all over again if that is even possible. I guess I will repost my youtube video here. The discussion on my video is more than I could ever imagine. I thought I would identify with very few people but so far the feedback is amazing. I want to thank you guys for sharing and supporting the cause for awareness. PS if you want to see the captions you gotta watch it on youtube or fullscreen. I'm still trying to figure out how to fit the whole caption but I think people get the idea lol.

FEVER FLU and Adrenal Insuffiency

Hi there quick post. I am feeling extra sick. This feels like the time I had a fever a month ago and I don't know why I am getting it so often. I wonder if that is normal for A.I. but I need to double up on the steroids. I hope I will feel better tomorrow. I have a headache, sore throat, weakness, and I cannot focus. Earlier I did not recognize the street I was on. That was pretty alarming. I don't know if It is all related but I hope things will resolve soon. Alright that's all I got for today.

Prayers For My Friend

During the time I was sick, I heard alot of false misconceptions about my sickness. I was told I was fat, lazy, and moody. Just because I wanted to be that way. I was told maybe I should be healthier. I was told maybe my dogs gave me Cushing's. Also, I could just be stressed. I was told I that I am being tested by God. All these misconceptions made me feel I must have done something wrong to get myself this sick. Oh and this one is my favorite, "you're asian, you don't get Cushing's or tumors because those are Caucasian diseases." Could you imagine how crazy that sounds?

So I just want to set the record straight that it was none of the above that caused my illness. Cushing's is a abnormal mutation of the adrenal gland. It could have been any kind of mutation anywhere in my body but it was my adrenal gland. So that's that. The one that peeved me the most was the stereotype that asians don't get Cushing's. The reason I made this blog was to raise awareness for anyone who will stumble upon this, a cushing's patient, but I also made this to give voice that asians can get Cushing Syndrome/ disease. Or anyone else; a caucasion, latino, african, indian person...

Recently I was approached by a young lady from Vietnam named Nga Do. She emailed me asking for some advice because she thinks she has Cushing's but the doctor cannot confirm the source that is causing her Cushings. All they are telling her is that she has Pseudo-Cushings but no explanation. I am deeply affected that this girl cannot get an explanation for all of her symptoms. Also for the fact that we are both from the same country, it hurts that I cannot do more for her than to give her advice and pray for her. So I am posting this entry today for my friend Nga. With her consent I am sharing her story. I saw her more recent picture and it was almost like seeing my reflection in the mirror during the time I was sick too.  Nga, I know you will get better and I will be here for you whenever you need to talk. Thank you guys.

I ask that we can help pray for her to find an answer and have the best health she deserves.

If My Makeup Smears All Bets Are OFF!!

I'm kind of bored right now so what better way to be productive than to write down my thoughts. The last post I had made was basically me swooning over my lovely dude but last week on Valentines day, I was NOT swooning for him.

 On Valentines day we got into a heated discussion on the way to our dinner date and the discussion became me and him getting annoyed that neither of us understood each others perspective on a certain subject. Well in the moment, I felt like my Vday was going downhill. All bets are off when my cat eyeliner smears! >.< It was not how imagined our day to be. After that we lost our reservation and ended up driving down the street to a random restaurant. At 8:45pm, the line was very long out the door (and around the building) and the hostess said it'll be about 1 hour and 30 mins of wait. I was annoyed but instead of calling it a night we decided to just wait it out and went to the bar. We bought some wine at the bar and just talked to each other, not about the argument we just had but about random things, funny things, anything. (for ex: what was the worst thing you ever did to impress someone?) That will sure get a conversation started! Then our buzzer went off and it was our turn to be seated. My muffin looked at his phone and we both realized 2 hours had just passed and we didn't even noticed. But we were in a better place than we were before we left the house and before our argument. I want to write this down so I remember the lesson I learned was that our relationship is not perfect but if you choose to love and laugh then the rough patches become smoother. I try to remember now that I have a choice. Do I want to suffer and make others suffer because I am unhappy? Or do I want to be happy and my happiness makes the person I love happy too. haha now i'm confusing myself. Well that was my imperfect Vday story.

After Vday, this Sunday I ate some medium rare fajita meat takeout at Taco Cabana loll NEVER EAT rare meat from TC!! That was a bad idea... Well a few hours later I felt sick with a sore throat. The next day I felt terrible and that night I had symptoms of a cold. In the morning I was hot and sweaty but cold. My joints and muscles were in so much pain, my head was throbbing and my throat felt raw. Muffin immediately got up at 6 in the morning and went to Walmart and bought some medicine and a thermometer. When he got home he got some soup and took my temprature I was burning up to 102 degrees. He was worried because never had I gotten the flu and fever combo for years. and if it reached 104 I would need to go to hospital. I guess having Cushing's really suppressed my immune system and allergies until I had the surgery. Now I get sick pretty often but this was by far the worst. So Muffin was worried and decided to take off work to stay home and nurse me back to homeostasis or till I stabilized loll. So we doubled up on the Cortef steroids and stayed in our bed the whole day sleeping, checking my tempurature, taking meds and watching tv. Even though that was the worst fever I have ever experienced, it was my favorite sick day I've ever had.

^ The Soup Police!

 So I guess this is really a lesson that losing expectations on what you want and what you need. I don't know if that makes sense, im getting tired and my thought process is declining haha well have a blessed day for anyone who is ever going to read this entry! And remember that you have happy choices! <3

The Meaning of It ALL..

When I was going through my darkest days, I questioned my will to live. Nobody should suffer that way in any lifetime. I felt a heavy heart and and nothing I did felt right. I had no one that understood the conflict and pain that was going on in me. Throughout the whole process of getting slowly sicker, getting rejected from doctors, friends and family, finding an endo, going through the tests, labs and scans, having surgery, then waiting for recovery--- It felt like it was too much to handle. I felt weak. People told me that I must be strong to still be holding on but I felt like any moment I would let myself slip away and find peace with God.

After all of the suffering, I did not know what I suffered for. Until this happened....

 

 ^sorry I couldn't get the whole message! But I replied to your recent email today!! Stay strong <3

 ^ When I started getting emails, messages, and comments from people (I am keeping their indentity anonymous) who are in the same position I was a few years back. These people are suffering, falling apart, and are on the brink of breaking. They need an answer to it all. That is when I realize my purpose of  all the suffering was to be here for these people, write this blog and tell them, I understand what they are going through. And am the example for them to know that if they hold on, they WILL be okay. These past few months have been getting better. and everyday I am getting stronger inside and out. I never knew how weak I was until I realized how much strength I do have now. If that makes any sense! lol. The weakness, suffering and pain is somehow becoming the strength I have within myself now. I just want to thank again to the recovered women who told me I will be okay. I remember life felt so pointless. My hair was falling out, my face was full of cystic pimples and scars, my face looked like a heavy saggy mask, my body was swollen. I felt like I would never get back to the way I use to look. But the amazing thing is that, I feel more beautiful than ever now than  before. I don't know how it is possible after going through hypercortolism. Maybe it took all of this for me to find strength and self love. I want to thank you for all the people who have reached out to me. And thankyou for reading my blog. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know the meaning of it all and finding the peace inside myself. So please stay strong and I will be there whenever you guys need an ear, a prayer, or an answer or anything. <3

Here are some links for when you want to read more about other patient's stories and you can contact the recovered patients:

http://csrf.net/living-with-cushings/patient-stories/

http://www.cushings-help.com/toc.htm 

http://cushings.invisionzone.com/ 

My Battle with Depression, Suicide & Stuck Up Betches

I've been fighting with depression for a very long time. In the past as a young child, I was bullied for my weight. Everyone called me fat and ugly in elementary school. My family was not too well off so I didn't have nice materialistic things so I was bullied for that too. It doesn't help to have vain, judgmental, abusive people around while growing up either. (not my parents) of course.With all of that being said I am growing into a woman of my own and do not call myself victim to these experiences however they do make me more predispose to the likelihood of being depressed.

Chubs

Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.

In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.

A year later I was hurting inside. I hurt so much that I stopped going out at all. I stopped seeing family members who put me down and I stopped self medicating. I was going insane with my anxiety that was growing so strong. I was paranoid and felt like I had a demon inside of me. I began to look in the mirror to see a face I didn't recognize. My face was getting swollen, cushinoid, acne all over down to my neck. I stopped getting a period and stopped feeling like I was a woman. I felt like a monster. I had intense feelings of mood swings and did not know why. I felt more depressed, anxious, and rapid heartbeat. I was so fatigued. I saw it in my eyes. I blamed myself for becoming that way. I must have been a terrible person to deserve this. Family & others shamed me for looking that way. Nobody was supportive or there for me. I will never forget the day this irrelevant person called me fat in front of my boyfriend and laughed in my face. You had your chance to make it right with me, and you haven't. I forgive you, but I will never forget what you did to me. Because of you, I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not because they called me fat. It's the fact that someone had that much hate at me to say that to my face in front of other people then laugh about it when nobody asked for their opinion. But whatever happened was in a way a good thing. Atleast it helped me hit rock bottom.. Well, I was already at rockbottom before that. That was just kicking someone when they are down.

                  This was my pain, please do NOT attempt. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help or hotline!!

Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.

After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!

I wish I could tell my old self that I am good enough as I am. Everything will be alright. Just be yourself and everything else will follow. I'm thankful to have been through the sadness because now, I have room for happiness. I've been slowly peeling back the layers or false belief and pain and revealing the wonderful thing that we all are. Perfectly imperfect Purrrfection!

Happy New Year! Happy New You! and My Instagram!

Destroy What Destroys You.
 

Just posting a quick motivational photo for the new years. Recovery journey is starting to take a big turn and  it feels real good to me. I want to do a post about my experience of falling out of depression, so probably next blog will be about that. And no it's not because of the physical changes that is making me happier.... It's mentally too. It's amazing how things can change when I've felt so stuck in a rut for many years. Anyways I'll save all of that for next post!

Any who so I joined two social networking! One is called "Experience Project"-- if you feel depressed, like you need someone to talk to and nobody is there for you, go join this website! You can find people who are going through similar things that you are going through and seek advice.. Or just to talk to. NO HATERS ALLOWED! So try it out!! and I also joined Instagram. Sure I don't have many followers but I just wanted to have a place where I can post up some motivational stuff and progress pictures! I already have some Cushie friends that are seeking advice and seeing the progress of other fellow Cushies... If you have an account for either social networking sites, join us & add me!! See you in 2014!

INSTAGRAM: MEOMEEOOW
ExperienceProject: Yoshigirl12

Sexy Pictures of My Test Results!

Haha jk about the sexy part. Some people like to post sexy "selfies" but I will post bloody test results! Hey, I put hearts to make it sexier lol <3 The blood test results are in and drumroll..... 

 

^^Lol nothing much to see here but last month I was .03 So that is something? Unless it's just residual medication I took the other day prior to drawing blood. Hope not. I was at .03 three months ago.. I get nervous before bloodtests not because of needles but I still feel iffy these days so if my adrenal gland was to normalize I would be dissapointed that "iffy" would be the new normal I have to live with.. But the test confirms the iffy feelings. Still long ways to go. I am feeling better than before so let's keep rolling with the good times & improving. Still got my patience socks on. If that is the only thing I learned from Cushing's then it would be a good lesson of patience. Yeah, for those who have experienced major illness ya'll know that getting sick is only the beginning. Now there are other concerns that are raising up. The doctors told me this would be expected to find underlying problems after since Cushing's masked alot of underlying problems with itself. For example my allergies came back. But that's the least of my worries. Sounds like a sad broken record but I'm sharing my truth and that's what's up.

The dizzy spells are still here. I feel light headed and numbness on my chest and face often. It's worse when I'm hungry or tired. My PCP told me my white blood count (WBC) is low so we are going to investigate.. Health is a tricky little equation..

 
I went to vacation last week and I could not be as active and snorkel or walk too much. But it was still a great winter escape nonetheless. Wish I could stay there forever! I'll post up some pictures next time but I'll preview a real sexy picture down here. =]

Sexy Paradise eh?

Body Progress Pic Update

^Bloated, I couldn't suck in my stomach lol

I've been kinda in a funky mood feeling extremely weak and dizzy. Yesterday I halfway blacked out. I started seeing grey and tingles then I fell in the hallway. So I greyed out lol.. It usually happens when I stand up too quickly. I feel  numb on my face & chest like I am not getting enough air in my lungs. which makes the anxious feelings worse. And the low energy feeling lasts all day. To get my mind off it, I took some pictures to remind me I AM getting better. And I want to share it here. The other day the nurse weighed me and the scale said 112lbs. I couldn't believe her I made her weigh me again. And I haven't been that low since highschool. I think even then I was 115lbs. So great my body doesn't hate me anymore! The weird thing is that my height was 5'3 but I use to be 5'5, before surgery I measured 5'4 - how did I lose 2inches???  I'm posting up some pictures with Cushing's and 6 months after Adrenalectomy. And the last one is a few days after surgery. The scars are healing nicely. So far I have lost maybe 2 or 3 lbs every month to a total of 17lbs! And what is my secret? Getting a Cushing's tumor removal! Lol I have barely exercised, or changed my diet, I do eat smaller portions because if I stuff myself I feel sick... Every time I try to run it is too painful & nauseous. And I am constantly craving sweets and carbs these days. I guess that is what low sugar and adrenal Insuffiency will do to you-- give mad cravings but still lose weight. I just walk for like 30 mins a day... But I am very inactive compared to before. So it is just a joy to see progress!

When Healing Begins

Now that I am free of the Cushing's Tumor, I am given a gift for the ability to heal myself. This is the gift that enables any damage that has been done to my health, body and mind in the past to be reversed. The damage that has been done was many things from the list of symptoms. However I need to address the damage in another form that I hold responsibility for. For a long time I never wanted to accept that illness could or had happened to me. In order to start my true healing, I needed to accept the situation for what it is, however I am one to resist the thought of something I don't want. But not only did it make the process slower, it caused more friction within my energy and finding the peace I wanted.

During serious ailment, the body is weak so there is no defense to protect the mind. The sickness tends to take over but we have to be conscious of the situation and accept it. It is not easy to do so especially for a sick patient. But we have to know that we are not our "tumor"-- the one that creates the painful symptoms, or even our mind-- the thoughts that can create bad feelings. Being aware of the triggers and fears are very helpful. What I have learned is that the only thing I needed to do was to let everything run it's course instead of fighting it with nonsense worry and thinking. I can accept that I am not who I use to be anymore. Now I am given a chance to change and become stronger, grow happier, and make peace with my life. And if it took all of this to happen then thank God it did!!

 

Happy Halloween!

This is a homage to the little kitty >.< Meo Meo!
 

I'll keep this one short. Dear diary, do not let me have a sip of hard liquor!! Let's just say I got wild and took less than 3 shots the other night and my stomach is still not happy today.. I guess one glass of wine or cocktail is fine but I think I gotta put my old partying days behind me. Atleast until my body will let me again haha.. Well HAPPY HALLOWEEN! ^.^

My Picture Timeline on Youtube

Hello! I decided it's time to put up some pictures of my progress.. I want to talk more about Cushing's, my experience, and support through videos but I'm a bit still shy so I decided to make a slideshow instead... I'm not a pro and some of the captions don't show up idk how to fix it loll I'm a newb but here it is:

Please share this video!