Update Fully Tapered Off Steroids (PICS) and MORE!

Hi guys! I apologize for not updating in so long but don't worry I am still very active in responding to my emails, youtube(onedelicateheart), and instagram(1delicateheart). Ever since coming back from the New Jersey trip I have gotten so many emails and messages from Cushies and people who are in the diagnosing process.  So feel free to contact me from those various social medias. Best way to get a quick response is to email me at yumnguyen07@yahoo.com
 If you guys haven't checked out Rachel and Rae's website cushingstories.com then you better go and check it out now. I am so proud of these ladies for doing so a huge thing for our cushie community. There are stories, contacts, and videos for you to learn more about. Please share <3


So I have big news! I have fully weaned of steroids for 3 weeks! My doctor told me that my left adrenal gland has woken up. It is functioning at a low level so my adrenal gland is not producing like the normal average person but my body has adapted to the low levels so I decided to quickly taper off the rest of the hydrocortisone (Cortef) because let's face it, it is a pain in the ass to take and still felt bloated from small amounts! Well, how am I feeling? I feel almost perfect. Like I am 97% there. There are times I notice the change in energy and feel great then sometimes I feel lethargic and faint due to the fact that I have used up the little amount of cortisol reserve that I produce but nothing that I have not already been through and it is bearable. I still get very faint often but I think I need to start eating a diet that supports the hypoglycemia issue. And of course how do I look? Well here are some photos for you guys to see =]

 These pictures are all post op and recovery. and no I did not get facial surgery during recovery, it's just really good makeup tricks I started learning that I want to share to you all soon! But now Here is the breakdown of my recovery. This is not the most organized list sorry! lol

6 Month Post OP: moon face was shrinking, acne growth stalled, skin got a bit drier, still bloated, face still felt heavy (hard to smile or open eyes wide), droopy skin, reddish orange skin, no hair growth, depression, anxiety, nausea, hello collarbones! dry eyes, adrenal insuffiency was at it's worse due to tapering. high bp but pre diabetes was gone. Sleeping all the time. Lazy, no motivation. panic attacks. Crying all the damn time.

10 Month: Face continued to shrink, features feminizing (eyes and lips look more pretty??), smiling is easier but still felt like cheeks were heavy, acne fully stopped, skin healing, hair growth (baby hair halo) not so healthy looking though crinkly hair texture, period was back (still irregular), buffalo hump shrinking, itchy dry skin to the point I can't sleep, body adapting to adrenal insuffiency, acne scars, less depressed, up and down emotions and mood, nausea, faint, period still irregular. Insomnia. undereye bags circles. Panic feelings, no attacks.

12 Month: I have to say I felt much happier after a year since the surgery, My face is almost back to normal, features are slowly defining, smiling is easy, hair is starting to regrow fuller but texture is still crinkly, no more acne problems, super duper dry skin, less crying, less stressed, I notice myself being funny and enjoying life like never before, began socializing again, face dimple is starting to show, jawline, cheekbones and nose looking slimmer. less nausea, Less paranoid. Insomnia. Doing normal activities. Shopping addiction due to weight loss and increased confidence LOL

14 Month: period came back regularly (feeling prettier after every menstrual cycle), skin is glowing, reddish orange skin fading, acne scars healing, less hair fall, wondering if this was as good as it gets??, face features more defined. fainting, low bp, dizzy, Mood is pretty stable but I still will get cranky when I being weaning off more steroids, more confident, no more sadness and resentment in my heart.. I literally woke up one day feeling like all the bad stuff and people in the past did not affect me anymore. Truly a miracle. Is this it? Will it get better? Sleep is up and down.

16 Months: face is back to normal, dimple is fully visible, jawline is chiseled, sleeping more, period is irregular again (due to low amount of steroids?), hair is healthier and shinier better texture, acne scars are less visible, night sweats, fainting, dizzy, extreme low bp (good thing? idk), satisfied with how i look but still worried if I still would have the highs and lows of moods and dizziness.

18 Month (fully off steroids): Face got even smaller less bloated (yeah I didn't know that was possible), I can now even smile with my teeth effortlessly, skin fully healed, scars are not as visible, I feel confident enough to go makeup free while running errands, people complimenting me, strangers think I am younger than my age, my mom says I look like I did back as a senior in Highschool! Thanks mom. Still faint and dizzy, no more obsessive thoughts, no more paranoia, no more guilt, anxiety, or shame, no more negative feelings. Mind is at peace, skin still dry, period still irregular but still coming, facial features look lifted, eyes are brighter, eyes are less dry, feeling motivated, not afraid of speaking my mind. No more panic attacks! Still food sensitive. No more waking up at 9am to take Cortef yay!

My body Recovered:
Less joint pains, muscles are starting to look more defined with little exercise around month 9 post op, no dieting, appetite is normal. No more feelings of being ravenous with food, body is getting a more feminine curvier shape, fat is relocating to where it should be instead of on my stomach, buffalo hump gone. I can feel my spine, collar bones, less body and facial hair, more hair on head lol... no more orange hands, still food sensitive to salt, sugar, and MSG. Can drink coffee without panic attacks. Can lightly workout and lift light weights with less muscle pain. Still cannot run or do any hardcore exercise training (not that I ever want to again). more flexible. no more bloating in weird places. More active. Feet shrank 1 size down (size 7 to 6-5.5), no more rapid hearbeats. Feels like I can breathe again. The heavy brick feeling on my chest is gone yay! Digestion is greatly improved.

That is all I can think of right now. I am thrilled that my future is filled with more optimism. I am glad that majority of the stuff is reversible. I am still stuck with a few minor health nuisances that Cushing's affected. I really don't think it is going to ever get me down because everything that I prayed for I have been given by God and the Universe. This whole experience really shaped me to become who I am now. I am stronger and humbled than I was ever before getting sick. I am glad that I got to meet so many people and understand the struggle of getting everything taken away from me. I learned the lesson of compassion, patience, and gratitude.  I will continue to advocate for Cushing's and rare diseases. So I will always come back to blog and update my life. I also want to be more active on my youtube channel and posts some videos of me talking about various Cushie subjects and giving advice to Cushie patients and also post my beauty tips and tricks and also my health regimen. I just need to get over my fear of talking to a video camera lol. Thank you guys for reading this post and supporting me through this journey. I will never forget. Much love!

Before and After

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Cushing's Patients Story for MAY! Yay!

Happy May! So I have an idea that I want to start some new blog posts that are about experiences that others have had with Cushing's. I will still write occasionally about myself here and there but I want to start focusing about other topics. So get ready! If you want to share your story please email me at: yumnguyen07@yahoo.com or vannievan12@yahoo.com
You can be in any stage of this process or any kind of advice you would like to share. You can choose to be anonymous =]

I am honored to share the story of one of the first Cushie sisters I have talked to. She has been extremely helpful with my whole process and was an angel sent to me during my hard times. Here is our short interview.

(Click^ to view full picture) Our Cushie Sister's transformation

 ME: Wow you didn't look overweight or classic "textbook" Cushing's.

 Cushie Sister: Yeah, that's part of the reason the doctors didn't really believe.  But I was exercising like crazy and eating nothing.  I should have been super skinny. But, I do think it prevented me from getting obese. 

ME: What was your biggest obstacle looking back at that time before and during?

Cushie Sister: I guess the biggest obstacle while having Cushing's was knowing something was off but being told nothing was wrong.  I definitely felt like I was a crazy woman. 

After surgery, I was expecting to feel great right away and the insane tiredness was unexpected.  It was like a heavy, wet blanket on me for almost a year.  Also, I didn't like being dependent on the hydro (steroids), and had it in my head that if I weaned, I'd recover faster.  That's not actually true - it's actually detrimental.  You can't force your adrenal gland to wake up; it just takes time.

Now, I feel like the world is available to me and I am open to life.  It's the best feeling ever, so in some ways, I'm grateful for Cushing's for giving me new eyes to see it.

Me: any advice you can share to other viewers or patients?

Cushie Sister: as far as advice, I know it's the hardest thing, and I'm not sure that I could have done it but... I think it is important to separate yourself from the disease.  You have/had Cushing's but you, the person, are separate from the disease.  In some ways, I felt more important because I had Cushing's.  I needed the disease to feel special.  That was a mindset that was difficult to shake once I was well. 

There it is guys. Thank you for the informative advice and congratulations on your awesome progress!

If My Makeup Smears All Bets Are OFF!!

I'm kind of bored right now so what better way to be productive than to write down my thoughts. The last post I had made was basically me swooning over my lovely dude but last week on Valentines day, I was NOT swooning for him.

 On Valentines day we got into a heated discussion on the way to our dinner date and the discussion became me and him getting annoyed that neither of us understood each others perspective on a certain subject. Well in the moment, I felt like my Vday was going downhill. All bets are off when my cat eyeliner smears! >.< It was not how imagined our day to be. After that we lost our reservation and ended up driving down the street to a random restaurant. At 8:45pm, the line was very long out the door (and around the building) and the hostess said it'll be about 1 hour and 30 mins of wait. I was annoyed but instead of calling it a night we decided to just wait it out and went to the bar. We bought some wine at the bar and just talked to each other, not about the argument we just had but about random things, funny things, anything. (for ex: what was the worst thing you ever did to impress someone?) That will sure get a conversation started! Then our buzzer went off and it was our turn to be seated. My muffin looked at his phone and we both realized 2 hours had just passed and we didn't even noticed. But we were in a better place than we were before we left the house and before our argument. I want to write this down so I remember the lesson I learned was that our relationship is not perfect but if you choose to love and laugh then the rough patches become smoother. I try to remember now that I have a choice. Do I want to suffer and make others suffer because I am unhappy? Or do I want to be happy and my happiness makes the person I love happy too. haha now i'm confusing myself. Well that was my imperfect Vday story.

After Vday, this Sunday I ate some medium rare fajita meat takeout at Taco Cabana loll NEVER EAT rare meat from TC!! That was a bad idea... Well a few hours later I felt sick with a sore throat. The next day I felt terrible and that night I had symptoms of a cold. In the morning I was hot and sweaty but cold. My joints and muscles were in so much pain, my head was throbbing and my throat felt raw. Muffin immediately got up at 6 in the morning and went to Walmart and bought some medicine and a thermometer. When he got home he got some soup and took my temprature I was burning up to 102 degrees. He was worried because never had I gotten the flu and fever combo for years. and if it reached 104 I would need to go to hospital. I guess having Cushing's really suppressed my immune system and allergies until I had the surgery. Now I get sick pretty often but this was by far the worst. So Muffin was worried and decided to take off work to stay home and nurse me back to homeostasis or till I stabilized loll. So we doubled up on the Cortef steroids and stayed in our bed the whole day sleeping, checking my tempurature, taking meds and watching tv. Even though that was the worst fever I have ever experienced, it was my favorite sick day I've ever had.

^ The Soup Police!

 So I guess this is really a lesson that losing expectations on what you want and what you need. I don't know if that makes sense, im getting tired and my thought process is declining haha well have a blessed day for anyone who is ever going to read this entry! And remember that you have happy choices! <3

The Meaning of It ALL..

When I was going through my darkest days, I questioned my will to live. Nobody should suffer that way in any lifetime. I felt a heavy heart and and nothing I did felt right. I had no one that understood the conflict and pain that was going on in me. Throughout the whole process of getting slowly sicker, getting rejected from doctors, friends and family, finding an endo, going through the tests, labs and scans, having surgery, then waiting for recovery--- It felt like it was too much to handle. I felt weak. People told me that I must be strong to still be holding on but I felt like any moment I would let myself slip away and find peace with God.

After all of the suffering, I did not know what I suffered for. Until this happened....

 

 ^sorry I couldn't get the whole message! But I replied to your recent email today!! Stay strong <3

 ^ When I started getting emails, messages, and comments from people (I am keeping their indentity anonymous) who are in the same position I was a few years back. These people are suffering, falling apart, and are on the brink of breaking. They need an answer to it all. That is when I realize my purpose of  all the suffering was to be here for these people, write this blog and tell them, I understand what they are going through. And am the example for them to know that if they hold on, they WILL be okay. These past few months have been getting better. and everyday I am getting stronger inside and out. I never knew how weak I was until I realized how much strength I do have now. If that makes any sense! lol. The weakness, suffering and pain is somehow becoming the strength I have within myself now. I just want to thank again to the recovered women who told me I will be okay. I remember life felt so pointless. My hair was falling out, my face was full of cystic pimples and scars, my face looked like a heavy saggy mask, my body was swollen. I felt like I would never get back to the way I use to look. But the amazing thing is that, I feel more beautiful than ever now than  before. I don't know how it is possible after going through hypercortolism. Maybe it took all of this for me to find strength and self love. I want to thank you for all the people who have reached out to me. And thankyou for reading my blog. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know the meaning of it all and finding the peace inside myself. So please stay strong and I will be there whenever you guys need an ear, a prayer, or an answer or anything. <3

Here are some links for when you want to read more about other patient's stories and you can contact the recovered patients:

http://csrf.net/living-with-cushings/patient-stories/

http://www.cushings-help.com/toc.htm 

http://cushings.invisionzone.com/ 

What Really Happened

This Monday I was on the verge of a panic attack I had the feelings come on so I tried to smoke some and drank a little Nyquil to calm down and sleep it off. BTW I do not console anyone to do that! EVER!! Well it didn't seem to help so I called my nurse and she told me to go to the Neuro center at my hospital immediately. So I went and texted Muffin that I was getting some help. Apparently the nurse thought I was committing suicide and called the cops and ambulance. Well, I did tell her I was trying to "stop the bad feelings" I guess it can be misinterpreted Anyways during the time I went to the center I had to give up my belongings and my cellphone. I stayed for a day and talked to some Psychiatrists about my health conditions and how nobody seems to understand. They told me that all of my feelings are validated and said I had a "rough childhood" lol I guess.. Once I got out I found like 50 texts and missed calls from Muffin and family members worried and that's when I found out that 10 cop cars and ambulance came to the apartment that night. I just want to thank everyone for caring so much and apologize for scaring up a storm. The truth from what the Psychiatrists concluded was that I do have suicidal tendencies. But don't worry I don't plan on taking my life or harming others. I DON"T WANT TO DIE. It's just hard living with Adrenal Insuffiency as it was with Cushing's. except for the fact that you don't bloat up like a balloon.

Well let's talk about some GOOD PROGRESS

Today I went to see my doc, I still am Adrenal Insufficient. So still on the HTR. When they weighed me I was 112 lbs which means I have lost 16 lbs since Adrenalectomy. That puts me back to how much I weighed back in HS. This is with little to no diet or exercise! Ohyeah! The weird part is that I have gotten 2 inches shorter. I use to be 5'5 and now i'm 5'3. I made them double check and that's how the cookie crumbled. Maybe it had to do with Cushing's and osteoporosis/bone loss was a symptom. But yeah I guess the only good news is the weightloss haha! Atleast I can fit into that dress pictured below I wanted to wear to Muffin's friends' wedding. Initially I had trouble zipping up the dress when I first got it but the day of, it fit like a glove. I had reservations about going to such a public place but who could miss a wedding in the name of love?

Where's Miley?

My S.O.

Love these nails! Essie Polish and Essie gold Applique

Childhood Bully, We Meet Again

I am not sure ironic is the word to describe this story but it was surely crazy coincidence and unexpected. So the other week I went to get the routine bloodcheck at the hospital and ran into who else but my childhood bully. She came out of the door and called me into the room for blood draw. At first I thought " wow she looks familiar, can this be the mean girl who tormented me throughout my childhood years?" But I told myself that it was definitely not her since she was such a terrible, snobby, hateful person back then how could she ever be allowed to take people's blood? This was the girl who made fun of my weight calling me FAT, told me I had ugly clothes, ugly hair, and turned other girls against me. She picked on me relentlessly for years growing up until I finally lost weight in the 5th grade and we started wearing uniform so she couldn't make fun of my clothes. she was the ring leader of the mean girls and it all started in Kindergarten! Well I just kept quiet because taking blood already makes me anxious and nauseous. She then tells me "hey I remember you!". Immediately I thought ohh man she's going to say you were that fat kid who was a dork. But instead she said, " you were that artistic girl who draws really well, and would draw everyone's portrait." I said "aww thanks, It's good to see you again". Even though that was the worst painful and slow blood draw... She poked me three times with the big needle and could not get any blood. Finally she used the small butterfly needle and got some blood. I do not see her as a villain in my mind any longer. Funny enough I found it amusing that something so peculiar happened. I thank that because of her, I overcame the sadness of being subjected to her victim as a child and grew past it and became stronger. I thank that the person who use to make my life miserable is now contributing to my recovery. How ironic is that?

Can we talk about bullying? I have encountered many mean people or bullies in different shapes and forms until today. They can be a friend, stranger, enemy, even a family member. Especially during my time of sickness prior to people knowing how sick I was, they were mean to me. People called me fat, lazy, and moody. Well I was fat because I was retaining sodium, water, and fat because of my tumor. I was lazy because I was tired because the tumor causes fatigue, I was moody because the tumor chemically changed my hormones. So I am the way I am because of my health condition. What is the bully's excuse for being such a douche bag? This is a message to a bully and to all of their victims:

Dear Bully: Why are you mean? Does it make you feel better to pick on others? Gossip? Are you insecure? Why are you angry at others? Do you blame ppl for what goes on in your life? You have to say or do mean things to others to make yourself feel better than them. The truth is that the person you are bullying are on a higher level than you because they actually can take the high road and do not need to act the same way as you, next time you want to be mean to someone think about the situation they are in. They could be sick, taking medication, poor, going through a hard time etc... You should have compassion in your heart and be thankful that you are blessed to have what you have that was given from God. Be thankful you are not in their position. Maybe you should try getting all your facts before you pass a jugdement on someone. The people who are bullied do not have regrets on how they have treated others. Even years from now a good person will not have a guilty conscience but will a bully? The bottom line is that everyone wants to be loved. If you are nice, people will love you easily, but if you are unkind, people will have a hard time wanting to stay close to you. and when that time comes you will know. To those who are being treated badly: I know that it is not easy during the time of being bullied. It sometimes feels extremely hard to think that life will get better but everything will be fine and life indeed will get better. When I encounter an ignorant person who has angered me, I realize that those feelings are not real and I will get past it. I just remember that some people are not able to see God in their judgements because they only see THEIR own perspective and not a bigger picture. Have compassion that they are only ignorant and cannot see past it. And the most important part is to have forgiveness in your heart. Thank you all the bullies who have made me closer to myself and to God. <3

PS. Jesus is the poster child for being bullied. He was bullied his whole life. He was bullied to death. He knows exactly what being bullied was about. He went through a terrible case of being judged, hated, picked on. He got crucified by his bullies! But he is now our God almighty!

Who Would Have Known It Would Be You

Here's a funny story.  like most hypochondriacs, prior to getting diagnosed I went to WebMD to try and diagnose myself. I typed in my 15+ symptoms and guess what popped up? PCOS, Adrenal fatigue, etc... and Cushing's syndrome/disease. What caught my eye was the Cushing's syndrome. It said a rare disease characterized by a moon face, depression, high blood pressure, anxiety, fatigue, muscle weakness, bone loss, amenorrhea, memory loss etc etc... anyways I ran to muffin and said "that's me!!!" but he told me it was too rare only 10 out of a million people get that so it's probably not.. But guess what? Not only was it Cushing's that I had. I also had the adrenal kind that affect not 10 but 2 out of a million... I'm starting to feel that my chances of winning the lottery might not be so far fetched after all haha! Okay not to scare anyone into self diagnosing because most of the time it is NONE of the above that you have. Just go to the doctor and it's probably less severe than what you imagined in your head.

I have been talking to a girl who is from my city Houston  and almost my age who suffered from Cushing's. She had her surgery in 2010 and is fully recovered today. She sent me some of her before and after pics and she is looking happy and healthy! So all of these people I talk to give me hope I will get there one day. It's crazy to know that someone in the same vicinity to get this so called "rare" tumor. I have always felt that maybe Cushing's is not as rare as we think but is often misdiagnosed or not at all since it is hard find the problem. But I do believe it is happening to a lot of unknowing, innocent folks. I really want to spread the word about this to help others who could be living with an adrenal or pituitary tumor. I get a few people emailing me freaking out about how they have the same symptoms and want to know what to do next. Okay first off don't freak out! It may not be anything at all. My first advice is to get your hormones tested!!! Check for Cortisol levels.  It is better to just do a routine hormone blood test to rule out Cushing's. It is beneficial to get a test for all your hormones to rule out Cushing's or any other problems you have. This one lady went for a checkup and found out she had Pcos. Any who, if you are noticing strange symptoms that is not " normal you" get your hormones checked!

The other week I found a sweet lost abandoned kitten and took her home a few days and found her a new home. Never was a fan of cats until now. Have a good life little Meo Meo. <3

 

 

Patience and support

Well another week of not feeling alive but merely waiting. On Wednesday we went to see the doctors at the endocrinology clinic. My endo referred me to them to help expedite the surgery. When we got there, many doctors came into the room and examined me like I was a new species or alien lol. They kept coming in and out and told me it's rare for them to see an adrenal tumor cushing's patient and each one of them asked if they can examine me. I found it amusing so I let them poke and pinch me. This one lady kept pinching my cheeks haha. She told me "remember the depression you're feeling is not you but the cushing's, keep that perspective!" The good news is they will request for urgent surgery. The bad news is there is only one specialist endocrine surgeon on staff who was not there so they are referring me to go see him sometime next week. They also ordered more tests. Sighh more Lab testing and waiting... At this point I just feel like i'm at the end of the race but I cannot get enough steam to pass the finish line.

Then I was looking at the Cushing's book they gave me and all the symptoms listed I'm going to rate the symptoms (1-10) of what i'm experiencing:

• Fatigue -9 (hell yeah)
• Muscle weakness -7
• Depression -6
• Anxiety -10 (yup)
• irritability -7
• Loss of emotional control -6
• Cognitive difficulties -9 (like a goldfish)
• Poor short term memory -9
• New or worsened high blood pressure -8
• Glucose intolerance that may lead to diabetes -7 (pre diabetic)
• Headache -8 (24/7)
• Bone loss, leading to fractures over time -8
• Thicker or more visible body and facial hair (hirsutism) -6
• Balding -0
• Irregular or absent menstrual periods -10 (since I was 17)
• Weight gain in the face (moon face) -8 (chipmunk status)
• and between the shoulders (buffalo hump) -0
• Upper body obesity and thin arms and legs -5 (gained 10 lbs in 6 months)
• Pink or purple stretch marks -0
• Thinning, fragile skin that bruises easily -8
• Slow healing of cuts, insect bites and infections -8
• Acne -8
• Increased thirst and urination -10

Yep that's the wonderful gifts all wrapped up into this condition. The symptoms come on rapidly so everyday I struggle with finding balance and controlling what I can and cannot do. The mental disturbances are the worst and I find the anxiety very challenging to control. For now I try to find the "happy" in my day to fight off this stupid syndrome. I count my blessings and remember what people tell me, that this is only temporary and very much reversible and I am lucky my tumor is on the adrenals rather than pituitary. I'll try to be patient as much as I can and know that everything happens for a reason. I am thankful for the people who are supportive and making me feel loved through this process. I don't think I would make it through this time without my support system. The other day I woke up to a sentimental text from my SO that made emotional.

Muffin has been so supportive and loving than I could ever imagine during this time. To know that he will stick by me through sickness and love me at my worst is a sure validation of our relationship. There are stories of husbands leaving their wives because they could not handle their wives cushing's manifestations and that is the saddest thing. I can't even imagine the hurt, especially with the deep depressions one can experience. To leave when someone needs you the most is heartbreaking and those type of men who try to take the easy way out deserve to go to zombie hell. They will regret that very much one day and their recovered wives will have moved on, happy, out living their brand new lives. There was more I wanted to blog about but I forgot. Alright I think I'm done for today my brain is tired. Here's to patience and support.

LOVE love yourself

I recently talked to some women who have recovered from Cushing's and they have been so helpful with giving me insight on how to be a Cushie and how to recover from it. So thank you ladies. One thing that struck out is that all of them told me I need to love myself more in order to have a good recovery. For some reason, most Cushie's blame themselves for becoming this way including myself. I spoke with a lady named Julie and she said "I think the most important thing I want to tell you is to not beat yourself up over what has happened.  Cushings is a medical problem.  You did nothing to deserve it; it just happened.  You will recover but the process will be slow.  You must be very kind to yourself as you recover.  You must surround yourself with people who love and support you." Thank you so much for telling me that Julie. 

So far my symptoms are somewhat under control besides the muscle and joint pains. My awesome doc prescribed some beta blockers that has been helping the anxiety feeling and rapid heart beat. My lovely boyfriend has been giving me massages at night so It helps plus I try not to be on my feet for longer than thirty minutes. Also My wonderful sister has been coming over to help with whatever I need to do in the day time. The memory loss and lack of focus is an issue but oh well I prefer not to remember much these days anyways lol. Before knowing about my condition I thought all these symptoms were due to me getting older and use to joke about it but truly feel like a senior citizen now lol.  Another helpful advice I got was to not fight it and get frustrated but rather have acceptance that some things I simply cannot do I don't have control over and it is okay. it's just temporary. It's okay to have others do things for you in the mean time. For the longest I have been pushing myself to work, study, drive, cook, clean, run errands, going out with friends or seeing family. Seeing friends and family is the worst because they have so much expectations and for some reason they want to be too involved suggesting too many things but hearing all their assumptions of "oh you must feel this way" "oh you need to do this and that" is not very helpful because they have no idea the mental aspect of this syndrome. Yes online there are lists of what a cushing's patients physical symptoms are but there should be a long list of the mental, cognitive, emotional signs and symptoms. I no longer have the energy to explain to people what goes on in my brain of how this syndrome causes me to feel. That I can only be around certain people who are with me 24/7 or from day one who do not trigger my panick attacks since they understand how to handle it. I now have to limit conversations with my mom. I know with family it's from a place of sympathy and love and I love them to death but for a cushie, it just feels overwhelming... All the women i've spoken to told me the fastest thing that recovers after surgery is that their state of mind changed instantly and the anxiety was gone. So I look forward to having that normal feeling back. whatever "normal" is since I thought all of these feelings were normal but they aren't.

 I've always given in to expectations of others and myself because I don't want to lose control over what I can and cannot do but I think It's time for me to know my limits and see it as a step to loving myself more. I found some videos and other fellow recovering cushie's that's been so instrumental to me.

- sharmyn's story youtube
-Steph's picture timeline
-Cushing's disease, moods, bi-polar youtube
-puremoonlite's recovery youtube