Friday, April 19, 2013

Patience and support

Well another week of not feeling alive but merely waiting. On Wednesday we went to see the doctors at the endocrinology clinic. My endo referred me to them to help expedite the surgery. When we got there, many doctors came into the room and examined me like I was a new species or alien lol. They kept coming in and out and told me it's rare for them to see an adrenal tumor cushing's patient and each one of them asked if they can examine me. I found it amusing so I let them poke and pinch me. This one lady kept pinching my cheeks haha. She told me "remember the depression you're feeling is not you but the cushing's, keep that perspective!" The good news is they will request for urgent surgery. The bad news is there is only one specialist endocrine surgeon on staff who was not there so they are referring me to go see him sometime next week. They also ordered more tests. Sighh more Lab testing and waiting... At this point I just feel like i'm at the end of the race but I cannot get enough steam to pass the finish line.

Then I was looking at the Cushing's book they gave me and all the symptoms listed I'm going to rate the symptoms (1-10) of what i'm experiencing:

  • Fatigue -9 (hell yeah)
  • Muscle weakness -7
  • Depression -6
  • Anxiety -10 (yup)
  • irritability -7
  • Loss of emotional control -6
  • Cognitive difficulties -9 (like a goldfish)
  • Poor short term memory -9
  • New or worsened high blood pressure -8
  • Glucose intolerance that may lead to diabetes -7 (pre diabetic)
  • Headache -8 (24/7)
  • Bone loss, leading to fractures over time -8
  • Thicker or more visible body and facial hair (hirsutism) -6
  • Balding -0
  • Irregular or absent menstrual periods -10 (since I was 17)
  • Weight gain in the face (moon face) -8 (chipmunk status)
  • and between the shoulders (buffalo hump) -0
  • Upper body obesity and thin arms and legs -5 (gained 10 lbs in 6 months)
  • Pink or purple stretch marks -0
  • Thinning, fragile skin that bruises easily -8
  • Slow healing of cuts, insect bites and infections -8
  • Acne -8
  • Increased thirst and urination -10
Yep that's the wonderful gifts all wrapped up into this condition. The symptoms come on rapidly so everyday I struggle with finding balance and controlling what I can and cannot do. The mental disturbances are the worst and I find the anxiety very challenging to control. For now I try to find the "happy" in my day to fight off this stupid syndrome. I count my blessings and remember what people tell me, that this is only temporary and very much reversible and I am lucky my tumor is on the adrenals rather than pituitary. I'll try to be patient as much as I can and know that everything happens for a reason. I am thankful for the people who are supportive and making me feel loved through this process. I don't think I would make it through this time without my support system. The other day I woke up to a sentimental text from my SO that made emotional.
Muffin has been so supportive and loving than I could ever imagine during this time. To know that he will stick by me through sickness and love me at my worst is a sure validation of our relationship. There are stories of husbands leaving their wives because they could not handle their wives cushing's manifestations and that is the saddest thing. I can't even imagine the hurt, especially with the deep depressions one can experience. To leave when someone needs you the most is heartbreaking and those type of men who try to take the easy way out deserve to go to zombie hell. They will regret that very much one day and their recovered wives will have moved on, happy, out living their brand new lives. There was more I wanted to blog about but I forgot. Alright I think I'm done for today my brain is tired. Here's to patience and support.

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