What Really Happened

This Monday I was on the verge of a panic attack I had the feelings come on so I tried to smoke some and drank a little Nyquil to calm down and sleep it off. BTW I do not console anyone to do that! EVER!! Well it didn't seem to help so I called my nurse and she told me to go to the Neuro center at my hospital immediately. So I went and texted Muffin that I was getting some help. Apparently the nurse thought I was committing suicide and called the cops and ambulance. Well, I did tell her I was trying to "stop the bad feelings" I guess it can be misinterpreted Anyways during the time I went to the center I had to give up my belongings and my cellphone. I stayed for a day and talked to some Psychiatrists about my health conditions and how nobody seems to understand. They told me that all of my feelings are validated and said I had a "rough childhood" lol I guess.. Once I got out I found like 50 texts and missed calls from Muffin and family members worried and that's when I found out that 10 cop cars and ambulance came to the apartment that night. I just want to thank everyone for caring so much and apologize for scaring up a storm. The truth from what the Psychiatrists concluded was that I do have suicidal tendencies. But don't worry I don't plan on taking my life or harming others. I DON"T WANT TO DIE. It's just hard living with Adrenal Insuffiency as it was with Cushing's. except for the fact that you don't bloat up like a balloon.

Well let's talk about some GOOD PROGRESS

Today I went to see my doc, I still am Adrenal Insufficient. So still on the HTR. When they weighed me I was 112 lbs which means I have lost 16 lbs since Adrenalectomy. That puts me back to how much I weighed back in HS. This is with little to no diet or exercise! Ohyeah! The weird part is that I have gotten 2 inches shorter. I use to be 5'5 and now i'm 5'3. I made them double check and that's how the cookie crumbled. Maybe it had to do with Cushing's and osteoporosis/bone loss was a symptom. But yeah I guess the only good news is the weightloss haha! Atleast I can fit into that dress pictured below I wanted to wear to Muffin's friends' wedding. Initially I had trouble zipping up the dress when I first got it but the day of, it fit like a glove. I had reservations about going to such a public place but who could miss a wedding in the name of love?

Where's Miley?

My S.O.

Love these nails! Essie Polish and Essie gold Applique

Trying to feel "normal"

So it's been 5 weeks since the op and I am trying to feel normal. I don't know what normal means but I still feel strange. I had to return to my normal medication doses because my self experiment was not very successful lol but I am going to try to taper again once I feel okay. The memory is somewhat improving I think? But then again I keep forgetting to take my meds at the right time.. -__-  My symptoms are still persistent but the good news is that I have a few moments of mental clarity but then the "Cushing's" feelings return. I might feel like a can breathe and relaxed for about 30 minutes to an hour a day usually when I first wake up and take the highest dose of meds.Then it starts to go downhill til I take the next dose at 3pm. The night time is the worst because that's when the weird fatigue, headache, nausea and anxiety etc feelings are the strongest. I can't make it go away and I am now having more nightmares of still being sick. It's hard to believe that I am fixed when I feel so blehhh. I don't know if I am coping very well but I feel traumatized by what has happened. I talked to some recovered women and they told me that anti-depressants helped them through the recovery process but I don't think I want to go that route. I believe that I am prone to depression because of the Cushing's and feeling physically blehh during this time but I am not depressed. So I am thinking of alternative therapy to help me cope. I find that walking a bit during the daytime helps and also trying to do more things I normally did when I was healthy though it's more of a challenge these days. I am still trying to find the right balance. I hope one day I can get to the point of feeling like myself again and being completely healthy and not having to think of Cushing's anymore.

To keep track of my progress and to remind myself that I am improving, I keep a daily log of improvements on the symptoms and also take weekly pictures. I don't feel or see a big improvement but family have commented that my moonface has been shrinking. My sandals are loose on me, tummy isn't as bloated and my glasses fit my face again!! lol prior to surgery my face got so swollen and big that my glasses were too tight haha I guess that is a good indicator that I am headed in the right direction. Though I may look a bit better, I still feel all sorts of weird inside. But I will continue to move forward the best I know how. Here are the photos from before op to post op. I tried to be consistent with the photos. It's noticeable how pre-op all the pics looked so dark and gloomy and my eyes are so tired and sad looking even though I was smiling and after surgery it's brighter and I kind of look happier. reminds me of that blue song I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa lol

Patience and support

Well another week of not feeling alive but merely waiting. On Wednesday we went to see the doctors at the endocrinology clinic. My endo referred me to them to help expedite the surgery. When we got there, many doctors came into the room and examined me like I was a new species or alien lol. They kept coming in and out and told me it's rare for them to see an adrenal tumor cushing's patient and each one of them asked if they can examine me. I found it amusing so I let them poke and pinch me. This one lady kept pinching my cheeks haha. She told me "remember the depression you're feeling is not you but the cushing's, keep that perspective!" The good news is they will request for urgent surgery. The bad news is there is only one specialist endocrine surgeon on staff who was not there so they are referring me to go see him sometime next week. They also ordered more tests. Sighh more Lab testing and waiting... At this point I just feel like i'm at the end of the race but I cannot get enough steam to pass the finish line.

Then I was looking at the Cushing's book they gave me and all the symptoms listed I'm going to rate the symptoms (1-10) of what i'm experiencing:

• Fatigue -9 (hell yeah)
• Muscle weakness -7
• Depression -6
• Anxiety -10 (yup)
• irritability -7
• Loss of emotional control -6
• Cognitive difficulties -9 (like a goldfish)
• Poor short term memory -9
• New or worsened high blood pressure -8
• Glucose intolerance that may lead to diabetes -7 (pre diabetic)
• Headache -8 (24/7)
• Bone loss, leading to fractures over time -8
• Thicker or more visible body and facial hair (hirsutism) -6
• Balding -0
• Irregular or absent menstrual periods -10 (since I was 17)
• Weight gain in the face (moon face) -8 (chipmunk status)
• and between the shoulders (buffalo hump) -0
• Upper body obesity and thin arms and legs -5 (gained 10 lbs in 6 months)
• Pink or purple stretch marks -0
• Thinning, fragile skin that bruises easily -8
• Slow healing of cuts, insect bites and infections -8
• Acne -8
• Increased thirst and urination -10

Yep that's the wonderful gifts all wrapped up into this condition. The symptoms come on rapidly so everyday I struggle with finding balance and controlling what I can and cannot do. The mental disturbances are the worst and I find the anxiety very challenging to control. For now I try to find the "happy" in my day to fight off this stupid syndrome. I count my blessings and remember what people tell me, that this is only temporary and very much reversible and I am lucky my tumor is on the adrenals rather than pituitary. I'll try to be patient as much as I can and know that everything happens for a reason. I am thankful for the people who are supportive and making me feel loved through this process. I don't think I would make it through this time without my support system. The other day I woke up to a sentimental text from my SO that made emotional.

Muffin has been so supportive and loving than I could ever imagine during this time. To know that he will stick by me through sickness and love me at my worst is a sure validation of our relationship. There are stories of husbands leaving their wives because they could not handle their wives cushing's manifestations and that is the saddest thing. I can't even imagine the hurt, especially with the deep depressions one can experience. To leave when someone needs you the most is heartbreaking and those type of men who try to take the easy way out deserve to go to zombie hell. They will regret that very much one day and their recovered wives will have moved on, happy, out living their brand new lives. There was more I wanted to blog about but I forgot. Alright I think I'm done for today my brain is tired. Here's to patience and support.