Friday, June 7, 2013

Trying to feel "normal"

So it's been 5 weeks since the op and I am trying to feel normal. I don't know what normal means but I still feel strange. I had to return to my normal medication doses because my self experiment was not very successful lol but I am going to try to taper again once I feel okay. The memory is somewhat improving I think? But then again I keep forgetting to take my meds at the right time.. -__-  My symptoms are still persistent but the good news is that I have a few moments of mental clarity but then the "Cushing's" feelings return. I might feel like a can breathe and relaxed for about 30 minutes to an hour a day usually when I first wake up and take the highest dose of meds.Then it starts to go downhill til I take the next dose at 3pm. The night time is the worst because that's when the weird fatigue, headache, nausea and anxiety etc feelings are the strongest. I can't make it go away and I am now having more nightmares of still being sick. It's hard to believe that I am fixed when I feel so blehhh. I don't know if I am coping very well but I feel traumatized by what has happened. I talked to some recovered women and they told me that anti-depressants helped them through the recovery process but I don't think I want to go that route. I believe that I am prone to depression because of the Cushing's and feeling physically blehh during this time but I am not depressed. So I am thinking of alternative therapy to help me cope. I find that walking a bit during the daytime helps and also trying to do more things I normally did when I was healthy though it's more of a challenge these days. I am still trying to find the right balance. I hope one day I can get to the point of feeling like myself again and being completely healthy and not having to think of Cushing's anymore.

To keep track of my progress and to remind myself that I am improving, I keep a daily log of improvements on the symptoms and also take weekly pictures. I don't feel or see a big improvement but family have commented that my moonface has been shrinking. My sandals are loose on me, tummy isn't as bloated and my glasses fit my face again!! lol prior to surgery my face got so swollen and big that my glasses were too tight haha I guess that is a good indicator that I am headed in the right direction. Though I may look a bit better, I still feel all sorts of weird inside. But I will continue to move forward the best I know how. Here are the photos from before op to post op. I tried to be consistent with the photos. It's noticeable how pre-op all the pics looked so dark and gloomy and my eyes are so tired and sad looking even though I was smiling and after surgery it's brighter and I kind of look happier. reminds me of that blue song I'm blue da ba dee da ba daa lol

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