I can't seem to wrap my head around this. A woman who suffers from Cushing's Syndrome kills herself by jumping off her apartment building 3 days ago. Such a tragedy. My prayers go out to her and her family.
The story is featured at New York Post:
http://nypost.com/2014/06/19/pedestrian-almost-crushed-after-cancer-stricken-woman-leaps-to-her-death/
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Showing posts with label suicide. Show all posts
Friday, June 20, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
My Battle with Depression, Suicide & Stuck Up Betches
I've been fighting with depression for a very long time. In the past as a young child, I was bullied for my weight. Everyone called me fat and ugly in elementary school. My family was not too well off so I didn't have nice materialistic things so I was bullied for that too. It doesn't help to have vain, judgmental, abusive people around while growing up either. (not my parents) of course.With all of that being said I am growing into a woman of my own and do not call myself victim to these experiences however they do make me more predispose to the likelihood of being depressed.
Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.
In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.
Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.
After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!
I wish I could tell my old self that I am good enough as I am. Everything will be alright. Just be yourself and everything else will follow. I'm thankful to have been through the sadness because now, I have room for happiness. I've been slowly peeling back the layers or false belief and pain and revealing the wonderful thing that we all are. Perfectly imperfect Purrrfection!
Chubs
Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.
In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.
A year later I was hurting inside. I hurt so much that I stopped going out at all. I stopped seeing family members who put me down and I stopped self medicating. I was going insane with my anxiety that was growing so strong. I was paranoid and felt like I had a demon inside of me. I began to look in the mirror to see a face I didn't recognize. My face was getting swollen, cushinoid, acne all over down to my neck. I stopped getting a period and stopped feeling like I was a woman. I felt like a monster. I had intense feelings of mood swings and did not know why. I felt more depressed, anxious, and rapid heartbeat. I was so fatigued. I saw it in my eyes. I blamed myself for becoming that way. I must have been a terrible person to deserve this. Family & others shamed me for looking that way. Nobody was supportive or there for me. I will never forget the day this irrelevant person called me fat in front of my boyfriend and laughed in my face. You had your chance to make it right with me, and you haven't. I forgive you, but I will never forget what you did to me. Because of you, I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not because they called me fat. It's the fact that someone had that much hate at me to say that to my face in front of other people then laugh about it when nobody asked for their opinion. But whatever happened was in a way a good thing. Atleast it helped me hit rock bottom.. Well, I was already at rockbottom before that. That was just kicking someone when they are down.
This was my pain, please do NOT attempt. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help or hotline!!
Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.
After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!
Friday, October 18, 2013
What Really Happened
This Monday I was on the verge of a panic attack I had the feelings come on so I tried to smoke some and drank a little Nyquil to calm down and sleep it off. BTW I do not console anyone to do that! EVER!! Well it didn't seem to help so I called my nurse and she told me to go to the Neuro center at my hospital immediately. So I went and texted Muffin that I was getting some help. Apparently the nurse thought I was committing suicide and called the cops and ambulance. Well, I did tell her I was trying to "stop the bad feelings" I guess it can be misinterpreted Anyways during the time I went to the center I had to give up my belongings and my cellphone. I stayed for a day and talked to some Psychiatrists about my health conditions and how nobody seems to understand. They told me that all of my feelings are validated and said I had a "rough childhood" lol I guess.. Once I got out I found like 50 texts and missed calls from Muffin and family members worried and that's when I found out that 10 cop cars and ambulance came to the apartment that night. I just want to thank everyone for caring so much and apologize for scaring up a storm. The truth from what the Psychiatrists concluded was that I do have suicidal tendencies. But don't worry I don't plan on taking my life or harming others. I DON"T WANT TO DIE. It's just hard living with Adrenal Insuffiency as it was with Cushing's. except for the fact that you don't bloat up like a balloon.
Well let's talk about some GOOD PROGRESS
Today I went to see my doc, I still am Adrenal Insufficient. So still on the HTR. When they weighed me I was 112 lbs which means I have lost 16 lbs since Adrenalectomy. That puts me back to how much I weighed back in HS. This is with little to no diet or exercise! Ohyeah! The weird part is that I have gotten 2 inches shorter. I use to be 5'5 and now i'm 5'3. I made them double check and that's how the cookie crumbled. Maybe it had to do with Cushing's and osteoporosis/bone loss was a symptom. But yeah I guess the only good news is the weightloss haha! Atleast I can fit into that dress pictured below I wanted to wear to Muffin's friends' wedding. Initially I had trouble zipping up the dress when I first got it but the day of, it fit like a glove. I had reservations about going to such a public place but who could miss a wedding in the name of love?
Well let's talk about some GOOD PROGRESS
Today I went to see my doc, I still am Adrenal Insufficient. So still on the HTR. When they weighed me I was 112 lbs which means I have lost 16 lbs since Adrenalectomy. That puts me back to how much I weighed back in HS. This is with little to no diet or exercise! Ohyeah! The weird part is that I have gotten 2 inches shorter. I use to be 5'5 and now i'm 5'3. I made them double check and that's how the cookie crumbled. Maybe it had to do with Cushing's and osteoporosis/bone loss was a symptom. But yeah I guess the only good news is the weightloss haha! Atleast I can fit into that dress pictured below I wanted to wear to Muffin's friends' wedding. Initially I had trouble zipping up the dress when I first got it but the day of, it fit like a glove. I had reservations about going to such a public place but who could miss a wedding in the name of love?
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