I Want Perfection

I know I tend to repeat this subject but it is something of importance for me my whole life. I have battled self esteem problems and writing about it helps me move forward.As you guys already know, I have experienced bullying and fat shaming as a child. When I became a "tween" I made a promise to myself that I would not be that fat tomboy girl anymore. I would be the girl that people admired. I wanted to be the perfect skinny, beautiful girl with nice things. I wanted to be liked by everyone and popular in school. I wanted to be so perfect, that nobody could say or find anything wrong about me. So I went on a diet with my sister and I got down to a low weight. I felt perfect for a while but deep down I felt so much self hate and doubt. I felt like the most insecure girl. When I hungout with friends I would think about how skinny they were. They had better arms or a flatter stomach than me. I compared myself in the pictures with other girls and picked out a body part that I needed to work on. Why was this girl so perfect and likable and I am not? I assumed she was prettier so that was why.

I don't know how many diets I've tried throughout the years. My first time was when my aunts called me fat and told me I shouldn't eat the cake at Golden Corral. I went to the restroom and cried and threw up the food I ate. When green tea pills were trending to lose weight, I started taking the pills. I remember trying to take metabolife and I think they had lawsuits and stopped producing those lol. I took a subway footlong and cut it into four pieces and ate a piece every few hours and nothing else. I worked out 4 hours a day at the gym then came home and did workout videos. I've tried every herbal remedy and diet teas out there to lose weight. I remember at my thinnest, I still felt huge even though people said my weight was too low. My weight would yo yo and I just couldn't stop fixating on my flaws. I would say I was obsessed with my looks. I was vain but I couldn't stop myself I was addicted to finding my flaws and trying to fix it. My hair was too wavy, frizzy, I had hairy arms, my belly was too big, I had pimples, I am too tall (yes LOL I am only 5'4) etc.. I had trouble embracing my looks and I had no idea what inner beauty was. I had no sense of self or morals. I just wanted to look perfect on the outside. I didn't feel like I was ever smart enough but I knew I looked pretty decent. What needed improvement was my mentality and self worth.

Pre Cushing's at my thinnest. I felt like a fat girl trapped in a small body.

Being sick with Cushing's pushed me to the edge. I had so much self worth in my looks that I was nothing without it. I hated myself for how I looked. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I blamed myself for getting sick because I was so vain all these years and I deserved all that was happening to me. People talked about my looks and I thought this was the worst thing I have been afraid of my whole life. When I was diagnosed with Cushing's I accepted that this was what it is. I began to stop fighting myself and finding inner acceptance. My security blanket was gone and I was forced to face my fear. Sure some days were easier than others. But I took a real hard look into myself to find something good about me. I realized one of my biggest fears happened. I was fat, hairy and pimply. And got called out for it. But I was still alive. I accepted it all. I still had people around me at my worst. I had support. Still I was ashamed at times for what I looked like. But now I see that what I was doing before was all wrong. I am so thankful for this to have happened to me for me to finally realize my self worth. And I am thank ful that I have never felt more perfect now than ever. As the layers of shame, fat, acne started to melt away, I am left with just me. I still have my days where I feel not smart enough or prettiest but I am okay with that. I would rather radiate inner beauty any day than be the prettiest girl in the room who is vapid, vain, and conceited. Because looks will fade but not my inner true self. Much love you guys! Let's all have cake and enjoy ourselves =] Here's some progress pics. My next post will be about my eating habit and lifestyle during recovery.

RECOVERY 11 Months

My Battle with Depression, Suicide & Stuck Up Betches

I've been fighting with depression for a very long time. In the past as a young child, I was bullied for my weight. Everyone called me fat and ugly in elementary school. My family was not too well off so I didn't have nice materialistic things so I was bullied for that too. It doesn't help to have vain, judgmental, abusive people around while growing up either. (not my parents) of course.With all of that being said I am growing into a woman of my own and do not call myself victim to these experiences however they do make me more predispose to the likelihood of being depressed.

Chubs

Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.

In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.

A year later I was hurting inside. I hurt so much that I stopped going out at all. I stopped seeing family members who put me down and I stopped self medicating. I was going insane with my anxiety that was growing so strong. I was paranoid and felt like I had a demon inside of me. I began to look in the mirror to see a face I didn't recognize. My face was getting swollen, cushinoid, acne all over down to my neck. I stopped getting a period and stopped feeling like I was a woman. I felt like a monster. I had intense feelings of mood swings and did not know why. I felt more depressed, anxious, and rapid heartbeat. I was so fatigued. I saw it in my eyes. I blamed myself for becoming that way. I must have been a terrible person to deserve this. Family & others shamed me for looking that way. Nobody was supportive or there for me. I will never forget the day this irrelevant person called me fat in front of my boyfriend and laughed in my face. You had your chance to make it right with me, and you haven't. I forgive you, but I will never forget what you did to me. Because of you, I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not because they called me fat. It's the fact that someone had that much hate at me to say that to my face in front of other people then laugh about it when nobody asked for their opinion. But whatever happened was in a way a good thing. Atleast it helped me hit rock bottom.. Well, I was already at rockbottom before that. That was just kicking someone when they are down.

                  This was my pain, please do NOT attempt. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help or hotline!!

Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.

After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!

I wish I could tell my old self that I am good enough as I am. Everything will be alright. Just be yourself and everything else will follow. I'm thankful to have been through the sadness because now, I have room for happiness. I've been slowly peeling back the layers or false belief and pain and revealing the wonderful thing that we all are. Perfectly imperfect Purrrfection!

Childhood Bully, We Meet Again

I am not sure ironic is the word to describe this story but it was surely crazy coincidence and unexpected. So the other week I went to get the routine bloodcheck at the hospital and ran into who else but my childhood bully. She came out of the door and called me into the room for blood draw. At first I thought " wow she looks familiar, can this be the mean girl who tormented me throughout my childhood years?" But I told myself that it was definitely not her since she was such a terrible, snobby, hateful person back then how could she ever be allowed to take people's blood? This was the girl who made fun of my weight calling me FAT, told me I had ugly clothes, ugly hair, and turned other girls against me. She picked on me relentlessly for years growing up until I finally lost weight in the 5th grade and we started wearing uniform so she couldn't make fun of my clothes. she was the ring leader of the mean girls and it all started in Kindergarten! Well I just kept quiet because taking blood already makes me anxious and nauseous. She then tells me "hey I remember you!". Immediately I thought ohh man she's going to say you were that fat kid who was a dork. But instead she said, " you were that artistic girl who draws really well, and would draw everyone's portrait." I said "aww thanks, It's good to see you again". Even though that was the worst painful and slow blood draw... She poked me three times with the big needle and could not get any blood. Finally she used the small butterfly needle and got some blood. I do not see her as a villain in my mind any longer. Funny enough I found it amusing that something so peculiar happened. I thank that because of her, I overcame the sadness of being subjected to her victim as a child and grew past it and became stronger. I thank that the person who use to make my life miserable is now contributing to my recovery. How ironic is that?

Can we talk about bullying? I have encountered many mean people or bullies in different shapes and forms until today. They can be a friend, stranger, enemy, even a family member. Especially during my time of sickness prior to people knowing how sick I was, they were mean to me. People called me fat, lazy, and moody. Well I was fat because I was retaining sodium, water, and fat because of my tumor. I was lazy because I was tired because the tumor causes fatigue, I was moody because the tumor chemically changed my hormones. So I am the way I am because of my health condition. What is the bully's excuse for being such a douche bag? This is a message to a bully and to all of their victims:

Dear Bully: Why are you mean? Does it make you feel better to pick on others? Gossip? Are you insecure? Why are you angry at others? Do you blame ppl for what goes on in your life? You have to say or do mean things to others to make yourself feel better than them. The truth is that the person you are bullying are on a higher level than you because they actually can take the high road and do not need to act the same way as you, next time you want to be mean to someone think about the situation they are in. They could be sick, taking medication, poor, going through a hard time etc... You should have compassion in your heart and be thankful that you are blessed to have what you have that was given from God. Be thankful you are not in their position. Maybe you should try getting all your facts before you pass a jugdement on someone. The people who are bullied do not have regrets on how they have treated others. Even years from now a good person will not have a guilty conscience but will a bully? The bottom line is that everyone wants to be loved. If you are nice, people will love you easily, but if you are unkind, people will have a hard time wanting to stay close to you. and when that time comes you will know. To those who are being treated badly: I know that it is not easy during the time of being bullied. It sometimes feels extremely hard to think that life will get better but everything will be fine and life indeed will get better. When I encounter an ignorant person who has angered me, I realize that those feelings are not real and I will get past it. I just remember that some people are not able to see God in their judgements because they only see THEIR own perspective and not a bigger picture. Have compassion that they are only ignorant and cannot see past it. And the most important part is to have forgiveness in your heart. Thank you all the bullies who have made me closer to myself and to God. <3

PS. Jesus is the poster child for being bullied. He was bullied his whole life. He was bullied to death. He knows exactly what being bullied was about. He went through a terrible case of being judged, hated, picked on. He got crucified by his bullies! But he is now our God almighty!