Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Monday, March 28, 2016

Cushing's Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Happy Spring! Hope you guys are doing well, and if you are not.. You've come to the right place to read and connect with my struggles and experience with Cushing's. Remember to check my 2013-2014 blog archive here: My surgery and recovery experiences to read posts I made during my sickness about diagnosis-recovery.
                                     ------> SCROLL DOWN FOR FAQs
So this year I've been so busy with moving on from all things Cushing's now that I have recovered, I finally finished school and I also have a job now. It's quite nice to push myself out of my comfort zone and seeing myself grow and living a fuller life than when I was sick. I still have low days and working long hours can be very tiring to the point I will sleep all day on my off days but so far I have tried my best to balance it all. I have also been pushing myself to socialize and try new experiences and it feels great. Let's get into the main point of this entry..

Ever since I have made my Cushing's story available online, I have been getting a lot of people contacting me whether cushies or people who think they might have Cushing's asking me questions about my experience. And as my schedule is more demanding these days, I don't get back to my emails, direct messages etc as quickly as I use to and often I don't give in depth answers when I am busy or I forget so I will make a frequently asked questions (FAQs) here. I hope this answers most of your questions and if I am missing something you want to ask, feel free to email me at yumnguyen07@yahoo.com


                             Frequently Asked Questions

Q) How long have you been sick with Cushing's Disease/Syndrome?
A) My doctor told me he thinks I've been sick with Cushing's Syndrome for about 4-5 years. I can almost pin point the time was when I was around 18 years old was when I started having irregular absent periods. and started to feel the mood changes like depression and bouts of crying over little things in life. I started to feel withdrawn and socially awkward and had a lot of racing anxious thoughts. Every year symptoms grew stronger and I grew more confused about myself and my life til the breaking point of the year I got diagnosed which I was 24 at the time. 

Q) What were your symptoms?
A) my symptoms were depression, anxiety, rapid heart beat, high blood pressure, weight gain, moonface, severe acne, no menstrual cycle, orange hands, muscle loss, fatigue, heavy eyes, suppressed allergies, weakness, hirsutism, bruising, poor wound healing, hairloss, short term memory loss, belly fat, small buffalo hump,insomnia, restless, PCOS, frequent debilitating panic attacks.

Q) What doctor did you see?
A) Before getting diagnosed, I went to see several family doctors who ignored my complaints and told me I had  depression and needed antidepressants and some told me I had PCOS and needed to get on birth control pills. Overall, most tried to treat my symptom but not the root cause. Some just told me I looked fine and sent me away. I finally went to see a endocrinologist aka hormone doctor and he was still skeptical but I pushed him to test me for everything under the sun and he agreed. Upon seeing my cortisol results were high in a blood test he decided to further test my cortisol.. My doctor works at houston thyroid and endocrine specialist his name is Dr. Elhaj.

Q) What tests were taken? How did you get diagnosed?
A) Diagnosis for me was in the course of 3 months of testing, results, retesting.. I took a Hormone blood Panel, Blood cortisol test, 2 dexamethasone suppression test, saliva cortisol test, 24hr urine test, and lastly when my doctor found out where my tumor was secreting from, he ordered me to get a CT scan of my adrenals and found a tumor on my right adrenal gland. (Some patients may have to get a pituitary CT scan if that is where your tumor is as majority of cushies get pituitary tumors and some rare cases lung tumors.) Also it's always good to start off with a simple cortisol blood test but even better to get all your hormones evaluated to rule out other conditions.

Q) How did you cope with Cushing's and while waiting for surgery?
A)  I think the most challenging part was before getting diagnosed and just struggling internally wondering why I felt terrible and looked terrible. I blamed myself a lot and felt so much shame. I was terrible to myself and drank alcohol as a way to cope. During diagnosis I was impatient and annoyed for having to take so many tests, spend money and wait what felt like long weeks until I got my results. The feeling of not knowing would eat me up inside for months.. When I got diagnosed, I accepted my fate and felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. I learned the lesson of patience and gratitude and how grateful I am for my doctor making me take all these tests. I started to tell myself that it was not my fault that I am sick. I gave up on fighting myself and decided to love myself more. I took a break from socializing and school since it was too stressful getting panic attacks in public. I told my family and friends but needed space so I took time off from everyone to just be on my own.

Q) What type of surgery did you have? When was it?
A) So after getting diagnosed, I worked with my endo to schedule surgery and find a surgeon. (Always work with your doctor to find the best treatment route for your situation) You basically can shop for the lowest price surgeon and choose who you want to perform your surgery. You can also contact NIH Cushing's research in Maryland if you want them to take on your case and sometimes they will offer help if you qualify for their Cushing's research. I found a surgeon named Dr. Suliburk and he has been experienced in doing tumor removal for Cushing's patients. He performed a Adrenalectomy and removed my whole right adrenal gland since removing the whole gland guarantees the tumor will not come back. It was performed May 8th, 2013
 you can read about it here: My adrenalectomy

Q) How did you feel Post Op?
A) I felt nauseous and like someone punched me 1000 times in the stomache. Hard to eat due to nausea a few days and still very swollen since they injected me with more steroids just in case my body goes into shock from having no cortisol in my body. I was sad and disappointed because I had no patience in myself. I felt worse and wondered when I would start feeling and seeing improvement.

Q) How long til you Recovered from Post Op?
A)  I was in the hospital for 3 days because I had some bladder issues that needed to be resolved before they could release me. Day 1 was hard to walk or eat. Day 2 I walked and ate a little bit still very nauseous. and when I was released from hospital I was at home laying around eating soup  About 2 weeks I started to feel better and 8 weeks my wounds healed and I went swimming. I tried to walk 15 minutes daily and had bouts of nausea throughout. So healing from surgery is easy part, recovering from Cushing's is the hard part..

Q) How long til you recovered from Cushing's Disease?
A) Approximately 18 months til my remaining adrenal gland started producing cortisol again

Q) What was your Recovery like? How was your Adrenal Insufficiency?
A) Very challenging.The first 2 weeks post op I could not do anything because I would feel dizzy, nauseous and want to faint. I started off on hormone replacement therapy with 30mg of hydrocortisone to supplement for morning and afternoon. If I missed a dose, I would feel terrible and start showing signs of a adrenal crisis aka my body shutting down from no cortisol hormone.. I also tried to cut down my steroids too soon and had a adrenal crisis filled with faintness and trembling. I had night sweats and loss of appetite. My depression felt more severe and I cried often. I no longer had the moods associated with Cushing's but I was always just very sad and had low energy.. I had highs and lows throughout and til this day I still have side effects of fatigue some, acne scars, tiredness, irregular periods, low moods.

Q) You seem to recover fast, When did you notice symptom improvements during recovery?
A) Trust me when I say I did not recover fast! Doctors said I was not extremely overweight because I also was an athlete most of my life, young and was on a strict diet for years prior to getting diagnosed so I had more muscle mass and bounced back easier. but it took me a full 2 years to fully recover. The first 3 weeks I noticed my moon face was shrinking. At 3 months there was a huge improvement on my moonface and I started seeing weight loss. At 6 months I started to look like myself and had more energy and adapted to adrenal insufficiency and was at my lowest weight since highschool. In one year my depression and anxiety improved but still had not gone away. My insomnia improved and I started taking naps which I never did before. My period returned even though still irregular I got it every 3 months or so. started getting restful sleep. Joint pains still happened but mainly during the cold. In 1.5 year Muscle mass increased. I continued school and started socializing. Acne was gone, had severe scarring. Hair growth started. Blood pressure improved. fatigue was improved. Better moods. less hirstutism aka body hair, it literally just become thinner and less noticeable. My allergies returned which is suppose to be a good thing since cushing's suppressed it for a very long time. Increased energy. Everything improved all the way until the 2 year mark was when I felt almost fully like a better version of myself.

Q) How did you cope during recovery
A) As hard as it seems, you have to be nice and love yourself. You have to avoid stressful situations at all cost. Cut out all the negative people in your life who are neither supportive, encouraging or too selfish and only looking out for themselves. Don't let bullies get you down. If people talk shit to you or put you down, that means they are an ignorant ass hole for putting down a sick person. Surround yourself with supportive people even if that circle is very small. Animals help you feel better by offering unconditional love. Remind yourself that even though you feel terrible, there will be lots of highs and lows during recovery. nothing worth having comes easy.  Be patient, laugh often, watch funny movies, do things you enjoy. You don't have to be okay for anyone just do what makes you feel good. People don't have to "get it" so don't waste your time proving anything to anyone. Take lots of progress pictures and compare before and after pictures to see how much better you are and it helps remind you that you are getting better. Try to sleep and drink lots of water and eat your vitamins. You will have bad days lots of bad days but as time goes by you will have more good days and it will start to feel consistently good. Don't get in the way of yourself and  Let yourself heal.

Q) How did you taper/ wean off steroids (hydrocortisone)
A) SLOWLY and small increments being tapered off. I was on hormone replacement therapy on Hydrocortisone. I started at 30mg and after a month I went to 25mg then another 3 months I went to 20mg then another few months I went to 15mg. At 15mg was where i struggled to lower the dose and started feeling very sick with adrenal insufficiency. So I stayed there for a while and during my last 6 months before I recovered, I went down to 10mg then at 5mg was when my remaining adrenal gland woke up and started producing low amounts of cortisol. Still I was taking hydro on and off when my levels felt too low. I still feel like I have low cortisol days but I try to adapt without the use of steroids now.

Q) You look skinny, Did you go on a diet/ exercise routine?
A)  I may look skinny but I still have belly fat which I do a good job of concealing in clothes and photos but my stomach and overall body fat has decreased greatly. I did not diet post op but did lose a lot of bloating, water weight and fat overall since I was no longer producing high amounts of cortisol and was adrenal insufficient. I ate whatever I wanted however I had loss of appetite so did not eat big portions. I also took 15 min walks everyday and slowly worked into 30 min walks. As a past athlete, I no longer have any stamina or endurance so I don't really do high strenuous/high impact activities like running. Maybe eventually I will train my endurance again. Also in my previous answer, I had more muscle mass than the typical cushie and my doctor credits it to youth, healthy eating, exercise and being an athletic most of my life. So I did not gain as much weight during my sickness I was about 20-25lbs overweight. Now I go for hour long walks my dogs, go to the gym twice a week mostly weight training. And though I am not eating the healthiest diet right now I avoid sugar on weekdays carbs and try to cut back calories when I over indulge the day before. I think portion control and watching sugar is the most important thing for me. But everyone is different so do what works best for you and make sure everything is in balance.

Q)What can your friends, family or spouse do?
A) Before I was diagnosed, I felt like I was being misunderstood often and was judged for how I looked and my anxiety ridden behaviorFriends said I was acting weird and sometimes gave me weird looks as if they were trying to figure out what was wrong with me, some family members called me fat, my aunts and grandma tried to give me advice on how they cured their acne. They even started making theories of why I got sick. All of that stuff really adds up stress and made me feel ashamed and I would react by anger, having panic attacks or feeling more depressed. Once I did get diagnosed, it seemed that everyone started to be a lot kinder to me but at the same time they still had to give me advice on how to be... I told most of them I needed my space and to support me if they wanted to but don't tell me what I should be doing to help "fix" myself. The only person who was very supportive to me was my boyfriend. At first we fought a lot because he didn't understand my issues but he became a full time care taker once I was diagnosed. I know being the spouse or caretaker is not easy. And So I asked my small support system what they want other spouse, family or friends to know, in their words they said, "to have your caretaker/spouse/family be educated on your condition and be very patient with the recovery. There will be times that its too much but understand you cannot break down. You have to be strong for them and support them til they recover. Be positive in the recovery and don't be negative. If you see signs of a negative enviroment or people remove your loved one away from it. Seek help to those who will support not criticize every decision you make." 
I am very thankful that my support system decided to stick around and be my rock and shoulder to cry on. They were selfless and now we have gotten through this hurdle together. Now our relationships has gotten better and we thrive on new experiences together. They would not have changed a thing and were glad they stuck around through the bad times so now we can have great times together. They are shocked of how well things turned out and even how much my physical/psychiatric improvements progressed in recovery.

Q) So after all that happened, How do you feel today?
A) Overall I feel great. I am back to living a fuller life. I still have days of low energy and other non related health issues but the most important thing is that I have my mental clarity back so I cope with problems much better. I have come to terms with all the loss and grief I felt during my sick cushie days. I learned many lessons and have gotten stronger as a human being. I have more compassion for others and find much fulfillment making others feel better with beauty, health, cushie advice, blogging, and being positive. I learned to be more patient in life and that nothing is always what it seems. I judge less and embrace every soul that comes into my life. I am grateful to have been through this journey and met some awesome cushies and new people along the way. I want to thank all the recovered cushie patients who shared their story, replied to my emails and helped me during my time of struggle. The reason I am so public about my journey is because I have a theory that this disease isn't so rare and more people have it that are going undiagnosed because it's still a mystery and unknown. Thank you guys for reaching out and telling me your story and using me as a tool in your journey. I will always be here to talk and help you go through whatever struggle you are going through. I have been through it and know you are not alone.

Q) Do you have any other advice?
A) As far as those having trouble getting a doctor to listen, make a list of your symptoms. Show them a photo of how you looked when you were healthy so they have a point of reference and can visually see how your features changed. Never take no for an answer and keep fighting for your health. Get second opinions if the first doctor is not being useful. Find the root cause of your health issues. Find a endocrinologist with experience with Cushing's patients. Also I always remind others to take lots of progress photos to remind yourself you are recovering. Remember always that there will be bad days and good days ahead but you will get better. Also remind yourself of the the things you'll be able to do once you recover. Plan a trip, go to the beach, train for a marathon, start a hobby, do something you've always wanted to do but was afraid to. Be kind to yourself and do not blame yourself for anything. Let go of anything you have been holding onto that hurts you. Forgive yourself and others. Don't be ashamed of being sick. I didn't know then but during all of my  hard times were the times I had the most personal growth that helps me cope with life better today. Embrace the whole process and keep looking forward.
Follow me on Instagram @VANDALISST








My severe Cystic acne. I have a blog post about acne in 2014 archives
The right pic was when I was about 15 months into recovery still adrenal insufficient and lost alot of weight/muscle



Me Today! :)

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

NEW INSTAGRAM & HEALTH UPDATE

Hii! I changed my instagram handle to VANDALISST
Link: instagram.com/vandalisst
         


To anyone who still wishes to contact me about cushing's disease or interested to see what's going on in my life or new selfies please look for my new instagram name vandalisst. I still get messages, comments and emails regarding Cushing's disease so do not hesitate to ask me any questions!


***And to update on my health and why I was feeling bad, my cortisol was a bit lower than average but also my thyroid is a bit low. I am not sure if all of that relates to why I was feeling terrible but I also know when I go too long without a period I feel horrible so I just pray I can have normal periods so I can feel 100% in the future.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Health Update

Hi guys, it's been a while. Well it's a bit late over here but I thought about blogging so this will be just a quick update with what's going on with my health. So far I feel pretty good most days. I still do have some days where I feel extremely tired and the anxiety/depression comes back. But I really believe those changes connect with my menstrual cycle. I notice before my period I feel super PMS-y and tired to the point I want to stay in bed all week. I still feel that around that time my ache, pains, and moods are magnified. Also they get worse when I have a late period, like something building up that needs to be released -__-  Last month I finally got a visit from AF after 3 months and the week before AF came was terrible. I had bad cramps and cried at everything. Then after the period, I was back to feeling good again. Now I am 2 weeks late and I start to feel the bloating and mood swings come slowly. So I do believe alot of my bad days are due to my hormone fluctuations. I have a OB GYN appointment coming up so I will talk to the doctor about what is going on with my period and how terrible I feel during the times I miss my period. So now I think that PCOS is still a problem I need to figure out the cause of it.

Other than that I feel much better than how I felt this time last year. I still take 3mg of cortef because I am still slightly adrenal insufficient and I feel better when I take a little bit of hydrocortisone. Hmm.. My weight has stayed at around 112-115 lbs and I basically still eat what I want but I do want to start getting in a healthier lifestyle because my body is not as resilient as it use to be and I will feel terrible after eating unhealthy foods. I also still can't do anything too strenuous because I have the low blood sugar/pressure that I need to control. I really want to feel healthy all the time so I think I need to take care of my body more. I also have been trying to live in the moment and feed my brain good thoughts to avoid falling down the slippery slope of depression. The past few months I've been busy with school/training, and my family. Keeping busy helps to not think about the stuff I want to change about my life/self. I am trying to just focus on the positives in life. Well that's about it! BTW I am always still on my email and social media to answer any Cushing's or health related stuff.

My handy kitty period tracker!






Here are some pics from the 9 year anniversary with my boyfriend. We decided on San Francisco, CA and it was beautiful, cold and windy!






Thursday, September 18, 2014

Test Results & New Video Update!


Hi guys, I was bored surfing on youtube and clicked on my channel only to see that the Cushing's video views are up to 14k with many comments. It has really made me happy that people are watching, talking, connecting and raising awareness for Cushing's syndrome and disease. Thank you all the viewers, subscribers and for the shares on youtube. I feel a sense of connection from the community to one another and my goal is to make this illness a little more known out there. I wish I could get an already famous youtuber to just shout us out and so we can have a bigger amount of awareness.

It's easy to forget as time goes by. We get this illness and write blog about it but then once we recover we forget how hard it was and how rare it is.  I get that sometimes we just want to forget about what had happened and move on from our life and life begins to feel better so we don't really care to complain on blogs but you guys, please keep sharing your story to the world because you might just save one person's life for viewing your story. There has to be people who are proactive about awareness for every other disease for it to be well known so we need to do this for our Cushie family. Sorry if I sound all preachy but I really hurt when I get these emails of people who are going through the same thing I was a few years ago when the disease was in the early stages. Being misunderstood, misheard, ignored. I was reading a story of a celebrity who is depressed, gained alot of weight and can't lose it and I just wonder do they know about CD? Or I walk down the street and see a person with a moonface and buffalo hump and wonder if they know they are sick?
Fluctuating Test results. Not sure if it's improvement but hey better than having high cortisol!

Well I have some big Cushing's News coming up that I want to share in my next blog. It's still in the works. I am really excited about it! If you haven't already, please comment and keep the converstation going!! Here's my moon face again =]

My 2013 Video

Here's my updated 2014 video:


Friday, May 23, 2014

My Sister and I were Diagnosed With Cushing's: MALE Cushing's patient

Meet Gabriel


The year was 2007 I was age 16 I woke up like any other day went and played some games with my friends. That night, something happened. It began with a small pain in my side that grew stronger and stronger we went to the hospital thinking it was appendicitis. It wasn't after a few tests and the pain not going away they (doctors) were stumped as to what it was. I stayed in the hospital for about three weeks getting tests done and nothing was found the pain stayed the only thing that was wrong was my level of cortisol was slightly elevated.

 A few months went by and many doctor visits later nothing was concluded. Doctors were doing random strange tests and nothing. One doctor wanted to start treating me for Addison’s disease which is the opposite for Cushings but they were on the right tracks. About a year went by and test after test being negative I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia my body was exhausted and my mind was numb. After a year of testing to be told nothing's wrong really made me sick. But like always, I moved on from it. I rolled with it and I was treated for fibromyalgia with the help of sleep aid and the knowledge of certain things that can trigger intense pain episodes.

 Around the year of 2009 my sister was diagnosed with a brain aneurism and had surgery. The doctors who were doing her tests noticed a small link between mine and her results .She recovered from her surgery. And began seeing an endocrinologist after a few months of testing she was diagnosed with Cushings. During this time of her surgery and testings I was trying to finish highschool and start college. The year was now 2011 I was living my life with fybromyalgia but I began getting sick I remember having an adrenaline rush and nearly passing out because of it something wasn't right we were for sure of it. I began seeing my primary doctor letting him know what was happening. I had weight gain, low immune system, blackouts and pain. The doctor’s response was I was depressed. Cool story right.


I sucked it up and dealt with it for another year. My sister was diagnosed with Cushing’s and my parents noticed we had similar symptoms and started and put two and two together. I made an appointment with my sister’s endocrinologist and she noticed right away that something was wrong. For me, I felt joy that someone was going to help. She noticed the straie on my neck and underarms and jotted down my symptoms which included bone pain, muscle weakness, excessive urination, thirst, fatigue, headaches, thin skin,  and bruising. I was text book Cushing’s.  They immediately started testing me for Cushing’s. My first urine test was the worst they have ever seen. My cortisol was sky high at a level over 70. Other family complications that happened through the year put my treatment on hold. Meanwhile my sister was able to participate in a cushings study with a medication that was new to the market called Signifor, it was a daily injection that had the chances of shrinking and stopping the growth of the tumor. After a year, her results were great; she lost weight and looked healthy. I began going back to the doctor and had more testing. My cortisol was really high around 60s. The levels made my body constantly tired and sent my body into over drive. I did an MRI and Dxa scan. They stuck a tube into my brain to see where the leak on the pituitary is. 3 months later my results came back and the conclusion reached was that I had Cushings Disease. I had multiple tumors but none were visible. That was why my body was shooting out cortisol. My life flashed before my eyes. Years and years of waiting, crying, and testing I finally had my answer. I got into the case study for CD.

 I was the only guy in my state to be diagnosed with CD at the age of 22 and my sister 19. We were the talk of the town. Unfortunately testing requirements were very complicated and I decided not to do the study and instead go for the medications. It took a few months to get the medications since they were new and pricey. It was okay to wait since I’ve been waiting for years. After 7 weeks I got my first order of Signifor. I began taking the injections. The first injection made me vomit and I continued to vomit after for two weeks. One morning I woke up smiling, I no longer felt a lot pain in my body and my mind felt clear.  I was on the road to recovery. After 2 months of taking the medication I feel great. My mind is right; I still have pain for fibromyalgia. I had my first adrenaline rush and didn’t pass out. My mental status is good I have always stayed positive despite what has happened. I keep my mind away from the depression. Now life is falling into place. The next thing I need to worry about is what to do in life without wondering if tomorrow will be my last day on this earth.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

My Battle with Depression, Suicide & Stuck Up Betches

I've been fighting with depression for a very long time. In the past as a young child, I was bullied for my weight. Everyone called me fat and ugly in elementary school. My family was not too well off so I didn't have nice materialistic things so I was bullied for that too. It doesn't help to have vain, judgmental, abusive people around while growing up either. (not my parents) of course.With all of that being said I am growing into a woman of my own and do not call myself victim to these experiences however they do make me more predispose to the likelihood of being depressed.

Chubs



Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.

In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.


A year later I was hurting inside. I hurt so much that I stopped going out at all. I stopped seeing family members who put me down and I stopped self medicating. I was going insane with my anxiety that was growing so strong. I was paranoid and felt like I had a demon inside of me. I began to look in the mirror to see a face I didn't recognize. My face was getting swollen, cushinoid, acne all over down to my neck. I stopped getting a period and stopped feeling like I was a woman. I felt like a monster. I had intense feelings of mood swings and did not know why. I felt more depressed, anxious, and rapid heartbeat. I was so fatigued. I saw it in my eyes. I blamed myself for becoming that way. I must have been a terrible person to deserve this. Family & others shamed me for looking that way. Nobody was supportive or there for me. I will never forget the day this irrelevant person called me fat in front of my boyfriend and laughed in my face. You had your chance to make it right with me, and you haven't. I forgive you, but I will never forget what you did to me. Because of you, I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not because they called me fat. It's the fact that someone had that much hate at me to say that to my face in front of other people then laugh about it when nobody asked for their opinion. But whatever happened was in a way a good thing. Atleast it helped me hit rock bottom.. Well, I was already at rockbottom before that. That was just kicking someone when they are down.

                  This was my pain, please do NOT attempt. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help or hotline!!

Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.

After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!
I wish I could tell my old self that I am good enough as I am. Everything will be alright. Just be yourself and everything else will follow. I'm thankful to have been through the sadness because now, I have room for happiness. I've been slowly peeling back the layers or false belief and pain and revealing the wonderful thing that we all are. Perfectly imperfect Purrrfection!