Health Update

Hi guys, it's been a while. Well it's a bit late over here but I thought about blogging so this will be just a quick update with what's going on with my health. So far I feel pretty good most days. I still do have some days where I feel extremely tired and the anxiety/depression comes back. But I really believe those changes connect with my menstrual cycle. I notice before my period I feel super PMS-y and tired to the point I want to stay in bed all week. I still feel that around that time my ache, pains, and moods are magnified. Also they get worse when I have a late period, like something building up that needs to be released -__-  Last month I finally got a visit from AF after 3 months and the week before AF came was terrible. I had bad cramps and cried at everything. Then after the period, I was back to feeling good again. Now I am 2 weeks late and I start to feel the bloating and mood swings come slowly. So I do believe alot of my bad days are due to my hormone fluctuations. I have a OB GYN appointment coming up so I will talk to the doctor about what is going on with my period and how terrible I feel during the times I miss my period. So now I think that PCOS is still a problem I need to figure out the cause of it.

Other than that I feel much better than how I felt this time last year. I still take 3mg of cortef because I am still slightly adrenal insufficient and I feel better when I take a little bit of hydrocortisone. Hmm.. My weight has stayed at around 112-115 lbs and I basically still eat what I want but I do want to start getting in a healthier lifestyle because my body is not as resilient as it use to be and I will feel terrible after eating unhealthy foods. I also still can't do anything too strenuous because I have the low blood sugar/pressure that I need to control. I really want to feel healthy all the time so I think I need to take care of my body more. I also have been trying to live in the moment and feed my brain good thoughts to avoid falling down the slippery slope of depression. The past few months I've been busy with school/training, and my family. Keeping busy helps to not think about the stuff I want to change about my life/self. I am trying to just focus on the positives in life. Well that's about it! BTW I am always still on my email and social media to answer any Cushing's or health related stuff.

My handy kitty period tracker!

Here are some pics from the 9 year anniversary with my boyfriend. We decided on San Francisco, CA and it was beautiful, cold and windy!

I Want Perfection

I know I tend to repeat this subject but it is something of importance for me my whole life. I have battled self esteem problems and writing about it helps me move forward.As you guys already know, I have experienced bullying and fat shaming as a child. When I became a "tween" I made a promise to myself that I would not be that fat tomboy girl anymore. I would be the girl that people admired. I wanted to be the perfect skinny, beautiful girl with nice things. I wanted to be liked by everyone and popular in school. I wanted to be so perfect, that nobody could say or find anything wrong about me. So I went on a diet with my sister and I got down to a low weight. I felt perfect for a while but deep down I felt so much self hate and doubt. I felt like the most insecure girl. When I hungout with friends I would think about how skinny they were. They had better arms or a flatter stomach than me. I compared myself in the pictures with other girls and picked out a body part that I needed to work on. Why was this girl so perfect and likable and I am not? I assumed she was prettier so that was why.

I don't know how many diets I've tried throughout the years. My first time was when my aunts called me fat and told me I shouldn't eat the cake at Golden Corral. I went to the restroom and cried and threw up the food I ate. When green tea pills were trending to lose weight, I started taking the pills. I remember trying to take metabolife and I think they had lawsuits and stopped producing those lol. I took a subway footlong and cut it into four pieces and ate a piece every few hours and nothing else. I worked out 4 hours a day at the gym then came home and did workout videos. I've tried every herbal remedy and diet teas out there to lose weight. I remember at my thinnest, I still felt huge even though people said my weight was too low. My weight would yo yo and I just couldn't stop fixating on my flaws. I would say I was obsessed with my looks. I was vain but I couldn't stop myself I was addicted to finding my flaws and trying to fix it. My hair was too wavy, frizzy, I had hairy arms, my belly was too big, I had pimples, I am too tall (yes LOL I am only 5'4) etc.. I had trouble embracing my looks and I had no idea what inner beauty was. I had no sense of self or morals. I just wanted to look perfect on the outside. I didn't feel like I was ever smart enough but I knew I looked pretty decent. What needed improvement was my mentality and self worth.

Pre Cushing's at my thinnest. I felt like a fat girl trapped in a small body.

Being sick with Cushing's pushed me to the edge. I had so much self worth in my looks that I was nothing without it. I hated myself for how I looked. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I blamed myself for getting sick because I was so vain all these years and I deserved all that was happening to me. People talked about my looks and I thought this was the worst thing I have been afraid of my whole life. When I was diagnosed with Cushing's I accepted that this was what it is. I began to stop fighting myself and finding inner acceptance. My security blanket was gone and I was forced to face my fear. Sure some days were easier than others. But I took a real hard look into myself to find something good about me. I realized one of my biggest fears happened. I was fat, hairy and pimply. And got called out for it. But I was still alive. I accepted it all. I still had people around me at my worst. I had support. Still I was ashamed at times for what I looked like. But now I see that what I was doing before was all wrong. I am so thankful for this to have happened to me for me to finally realize my self worth. And I am thank ful that I have never felt more perfect now than ever. As the layers of shame, fat, acne started to melt away, I am left with just me. I still have my days where I feel not smart enough or prettiest but I am okay with that. I would rather radiate inner beauty any day than be the prettiest girl in the room who is vapid, vain, and conceited. Because looks will fade but not my inner true self. Much love you guys! Let's all have cake and enjoy ourselves =] Here's some progress pics. My next post will be about my eating habit and lifestyle during recovery.

RECOVERY 11 Months