Losing Your "Spark"

I talked to a Cushie friend of mine a while back and we talked about how great it feels to be looking more like ourselves these days. Shopping has been so enjoyable, to the point of becoming a shopping addiction. I was always a shopaholic before but now I feel like I want to buy everything I try on so this is not good for my piggybank but who cares I feel great about it! Another thing we talked about was though we look so much better than during our Cushings days, we still feel like our face has changed... like we lost our "spark". You know the feeling of how fresh faced and bright eyed you looked in your Highschool or College pictures but now you look in the mirror and see tired looking version of your old self? I mean, we both are very young but after Cushing's, and Adrenal insuffiency, we don't have that glow anymore.

During the early stages of my sickness I already noticed that my eyes looked different. It seem to have a blank stare instead of an emotion. In most pictures my eyes would look dead even when I am smiling. Then a few years into Cushing's, my eyes seemed like they were getting smaller and my eyelids got really heavy like I couldn't open my eyes wide. My nose looked like it was growing. I felt like my whole face got heavy that I just looked like I was frowning all the time. Then my lips which use to be my favorite feature began to look thinner. My skin was becoming reddish orange tinted and the acne was growing on top of my skin. I just felt like everything changed dramatically from the fresh face I use to have.

At that time, there was nothing I could do to fix my physical appearance but I had alot of people suggesting what they think I should do. It was overwhelming. I am happy to say that 11 months out of surgery, everything is improving so much. Everything that I mentioned above seemed to reverse. It's crazy but it was like the Cushing's literally melted off my face and body. Still being adrenal insufficient isn't easy. I feel tired all the time and my face does too. Even though I look the same as before, maybe even skinnier... The fatigue hasn't left my face. My under eye circles are getting darker and I still feel that tiredness in my eyes even though I can open in wider now. I hope in time when my hormones start raising up that I can see that spark again. But until then, make up, filters and a good sleep is my best friend =] Here are some makeup tips I've been posting on IG. People ask why I don't start a makeup youtube but I am too awkward on camera so I am easing my way into it with some "how to" snapshots!

Barefaced with just my eyebrows and lipbalm on ^.<

Blue Eyeliner helps your eye whites look whiter so you look more awake

Blue Eyeliner :)

 Now If you want something more dramatic for a night time....

Add some fuller false lashes and darker eyeshadow for a night time look

Make up can make you beautiful on the outside but being gracious will make you beautiful on the inside.

I Want Perfection

I know I tend to repeat this subject but it is something of importance for me my whole life. I have battled self esteem problems and writing about it helps me move forward.As you guys already know, I have experienced bullying and fat shaming as a child. When I became a "tween" I made a promise to myself that I would not be that fat tomboy girl anymore. I would be the girl that people admired. I wanted to be the perfect skinny, beautiful girl with nice things. I wanted to be liked by everyone and popular in school. I wanted to be so perfect, that nobody could say or find anything wrong about me. So I went on a diet with my sister and I got down to a low weight. I felt perfect for a while but deep down I felt so much self hate and doubt. I felt like the most insecure girl. When I hungout with friends I would think about how skinny they were. They had better arms or a flatter stomach than me. I compared myself in the pictures with other girls and picked out a body part that I needed to work on. Why was this girl so perfect and likable and I am not? I assumed she was prettier so that was why.

I don't know how many diets I've tried throughout the years. My first time was when my aunts called me fat and told me I shouldn't eat the cake at Golden Corral. I went to the restroom and cried and threw up the food I ate. When green tea pills were trending to lose weight, I started taking the pills. I remember trying to take metabolife and I think they had lawsuits and stopped producing those lol. I took a subway footlong and cut it into four pieces and ate a piece every few hours and nothing else. I worked out 4 hours a day at the gym then came home and did workout videos. I've tried every herbal remedy and diet teas out there to lose weight. I remember at my thinnest, I still felt huge even though people said my weight was too low. My weight would yo yo and I just couldn't stop fixating on my flaws. I would say I was obsessed with my looks. I was vain but I couldn't stop myself I was addicted to finding my flaws and trying to fix it. My hair was too wavy, frizzy, I had hairy arms, my belly was too big, I had pimples, I am too tall (yes LOL I am only 5'4) etc.. I had trouble embracing my looks and I had no idea what inner beauty was. I had no sense of self or morals. I just wanted to look perfect on the outside. I didn't feel like I was ever smart enough but I knew I looked pretty decent. What needed improvement was my mentality and self worth.

Pre Cushing's at my thinnest. I felt like a fat girl trapped in a small body.

Being sick with Cushing's pushed me to the edge. I had so much self worth in my looks that I was nothing without it. I hated myself for how I looked. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror without bursting into tears. I blamed myself for getting sick because I was so vain all these years and I deserved all that was happening to me. People talked about my looks and I thought this was the worst thing I have been afraid of my whole life. When I was diagnosed with Cushing's I accepted that this was what it is. I began to stop fighting myself and finding inner acceptance. My security blanket was gone and I was forced to face my fear. Sure some days were easier than others. But I took a real hard look into myself to find something good about me. I realized one of my biggest fears happened. I was fat, hairy and pimply. And got called out for it. But I was still alive. I accepted it all. I still had people around me at my worst. I had support. Still I was ashamed at times for what I looked like. But now I see that what I was doing before was all wrong. I am so thankful for this to have happened to me for me to finally realize my self worth. And I am thank ful that I have never felt more perfect now than ever. As the layers of shame, fat, acne started to melt away, I am left with just me. I still have my days where I feel not smart enough or prettiest but I am okay with that. I would rather radiate inner beauty any day than be the prettiest girl in the room who is vapid, vain, and conceited. Because looks will fade but not my inner true self. Much love you guys! Let's all have cake and enjoy ourselves =] Here's some progress pics. My next post will be about my eating habit and lifestyle during recovery.

RECOVERY 11 Months