My SEVERE CYSTIC ACNE video

Hello guys I made a quick video of my acne journey. I cringe when I looked at my "during" pics bare face. Honestly I still am having anxiety posting this up as it is a very personal issue for me but on my quest to become a brave courageous person I am going to be bold with whatever I do. I need to step out of my comfort zone and live out of my bubble and it will start with this video.  I always had a few pimples here and there. I controlled it with Benzoyl peroxide which cleared up my skin 97% . During Cushing's the acne morphed into sever cystic acne. I had boils all over my face and neck and not one part of my face was clear. Every morning I woke up and cried in the mirror and every night I would sob washing off all the caked up makeup off my face. I became very self conscious about my looks. I never knew I placed so much self worth into my looks until I looked so disfigured by Cushings.

I use to model and do pageants and so having Cushing's basically made a devastating impact. When I started to get the breakouts I tried every herbal remedy there was to try to fix my skin but of course hypercortilism won the battle. and I soon gave up on my looks. After surgery my skin stopped breaking out around month 5 but I was left with dried out cysts under the skin which would turn into deep scarring. The doctors said I need to peel off the layers to get rid of the scarring.. So I went to the dermatologist and they prescribed me low tane and Retin-A. Now my skin is pretty much flat and smooth however I still have scarring that needs to be healed. I hope in time I can get back my clear skin. As a vow of overcoming my anxiety I will start  being social again and putting myself out there in life. There is  more to life to see and do than to be stuck in my little bubble being depressed that I have a pimple. I am thankful to have experienced the lowest point in my life. I can only appreciate life more today. If you are suffering from Acne please go see a doctor to make sure the inside of you is okay then a dermatologist and see what treatment they think will work best for you. Good luck and good skin!

ANIME cosplay and SEXY Hotimportnights Ninjas!

Hi there! I just attended the Anime Matsuri Expo and it was very interesting experience! If you don't know, "cosplaying" is basically the word costume+play put together. A person can dress like any cartoon, anime, hero, monster or anything they like and play the role and come to show off their costume. It was a fun time and so I will post up pictures of all the cute costumes I saw. I went as Batgirl and Muffin was Superman and his sister was Mikasa from "Attack on Titans". Muffin and I would probably be more into cosplaying if we still watched anime but when I was younger I use to watch Sailor Moon and Pokemon lol thats about it.

Cosplayers Looking So in Character! We were more casual cosplayers lol

Attack on Titans Cosplayers Can you spot Sunshine?

These Gals and our Pink Wigs^.^

Which look do you prefer?

King and Queen of Hearts

Me and Waveya Kpop girl

Mikey and Waveya Kpop dancer girl

That's so Highschool <3

Superman and Mikasa

Not Sure Who these girls are but they remind me of SailorMoon =]

This Girl was Perfection As a little Dolly Sweet Lolita

 After Muffin and I got bored cosplaying we went next door to Hot Import Nights to look at cars. We were definitely awake and refreshed once we got in HIN. Hot Import Nights (HIN) which is a carshow that displays the hottest decked out most expensive cars from houston and around. HIN is basically a guys dream. There are hot cars and hot models clad in lingerie posing with cars. Wished I had taken more pictures of all the sexy models but I was too distracted! Haha >.<

I Promised You some SEXY Ninjas! @HIN

Finest... The car is finest people!!

Love this bike!

LIQUID GOLD 4 CUSHIES!

Hello Cushies! If you guys are going through recovery, preparing to operate, or just super dry skinned. I found the holy grail lotion!

During my first month of recovery, I was not prepared about getting the itchy dry skin. I read all Cushies have the terrible itchy dry skin all over but of course I didn't think it would be that bad. Then one night I woke up in the middle of night and was so itchy I kept scratching myself and it did not help the burning sensation, if anything scratching irritated it more. I could not sleep and was so upset it felt like a allergic reaction. The next morning I looked and noticed I had patches of scaly stuff on the tops of my arm and the side of my backs. In time it got worse I noticed a strange texture to my skin almost like bumpy chicken skin. I researched what was going on with me and it seems like this is a common problem during recovery. So I started putting lotion on my skin and it seemed to help the itching however the lotion seemed to just sit on top of my scaly dry skin. So I tried different lotions but none of them seemed to penetrate deep in the skin for lasting relief. Then I just tried some lotions that were very thick and felt sticky all the time.

That was until I discovered Borage Therapy Lotion. OMG this is my holy grail lotion. I am so excited about it. I have to share the liquid gold. This lotion is the best lotion i've ever used. It absorbs quickly, penetrates deep layers in the skin, not sticky, fragrance free and gets rid of the dry scaly goose bumpy skin. It has a yellow color to it and a nice texture The smell kind of reminds me of cooked oatmeal. It does have oatmeal and borage oil as the main ingredients I think. Disclaimer: pleas check ingredients to see if you are sensitive or allergic to ingredients!
 I got this one at vitaminshoppe in store. but they sell it on amazon for bulk packs and individual. This one was 12.99 but I used a coupon for half off. I would still pay full price for this stuff. My muffin recently complimented how smooth my skin was and kept touching my arms haha I love it!

liquid GOLD!

Prayers For My Friend

During the time I was sick, I heard alot of false misconceptions about my sickness. I was told I was fat, lazy, and moody. Just because I wanted to be that way. I was told maybe I should be healthier. I was told maybe my dogs gave me Cushing's. Also, I could just be stressed. I was told I that I am being tested by God. All these misconceptions made me feel I must have done something wrong to get myself this sick. Oh and this one is my favorite, "you're asian, you don't get Cushing's or tumors because those are Caucasian diseases." Could you imagine how crazy that sounds?

So I just want to set the record straight that it was none of the above that caused my illness. Cushing's is a abnormal mutation of the adrenal gland. It could have been any kind of mutation anywhere in my body but it was my adrenal gland. So that's that. The one that peeved me the most was the stereotype that asians don't get Cushing's. The reason I made this blog was to raise awareness for anyone who will stumble upon this, a cushing's patient, but I also made this to give voice that asians can get Cushing Syndrome/ disease. Or anyone else; a caucasion, latino, african, indian person...

Recently I was approached by a young lady from Vietnam named Nga Do. She emailed me asking for some advice because she thinks she has Cushing's but the doctor cannot confirm the source that is causing her Cushings. All they are telling her is that she has Pseudo-Cushings but no explanation. I am deeply affected that this girl cannot get an explanation for all of her symptoms. Also for the fact that we are both from the same country, it hurts that I cannot do more for her than to give her advice and pray for her. So I am posting this entry today for my friend Nga. With her consent I am sharing her story. I saw her more recent picture and it was almost like seeing my reflection in the mirror during the time I was sick too.  Nga, I know you will get better and I will be here for you whenever you need to talk. Thank you guys.

I ask that we can help pray for her to find an answer and have the best health she deserves.

If My Makeup Smears All Bets Are OFF!!

I'm kind of bored right now so what better way to be productive than to write down my thoughts. The last post I had made was basically me swooning over my lovely dude but last week on Valentines day, I was NOT swooning for him.

 On Valentines day we got into a heated discussion on the way to our dinner date and the discussion became me and him getting annoyed that neither of us understood each others perspective on a certain subject. Well in the moment, I felt like my Vday was going downhill. All bets are off when my cat eyeliner smears! >.< It was not how imagined our day to be. After that we lost our reservation and ended up driving down the street to a random restaurant. At 8:45pm, the line was very long out the door (and around the building) and the hostess said it'll be about 1 hour and 30 mins of wait. I was annoyed but instead of calling it a night we decided to just wait it out and went to the bar. We bought some wine at the bar and just talked to each other, not about the argument we just had but about random things, funny things, anything. (for ex: what was the worst thing you ever did to impress someone?) That will sure get a conversation started! Then our buzzer went off and it was our turn to be seated. My muffin looked at his phone and we both realized 2 hours had just passed and we didn't even noticed. But we were in a better place than we were before we left the house and before our argument. I want to write this down so I remember the lesson I learned was that our relationship is not perfect but if you choose to love and laugh then the rough patches become smoother. I try to remember now that I have a choice. Do I want to suffer and make others suffer because I am unhappy? Or do I want to be happy and my happiness makes the person I love happy too. haha now i'm confusing myself. Well that was my imperfect Vday story.

After Vday, this Sunday I ate some medium rare fajita meat takeout at Taco Cabana loll NEVER EAT rare meat from TC!! That was a bad idea... Well a few hours later I felt sick with a sore throat. The next day I felt terrible and that night I had symptoms of a cold. In the morning I was hot and sweaty but cold. My joints and muscles were in so much pain, my head was throbbing and my throat felt raw. Muffin immediately got up at 6 in the morning and went to Walmart and bought some medicine and a thermometer. When he got home he got some soup and took my temprature I was burning up to 102 degrees. He was worried because never had I gotten the flu and fever combo for years. and if it reached 104 I would need to go to hospital. I guess having Cushing's really suppressed my immune system and allergies until I had the surgery. Now I get sick pretty often but this was by far the worst. So Muffin was worried and decided to take off work to stay home and nurse me back to homeostasis or till I stabilized loll. So we doubled up on the Cortef steroids and stayed in our bed the whole day sleeping, checking my tempurature, taking meds and watching tv. Even though that was the worst fever I have ever experienced, it was my favorite sick day I've ever had.

^ The Soup Police!

 So I guess this is really a lesson that losing expectations on what you want and what you need. I don't know if that makes sense, im getting tired and my thought process is declining haha well have a blessed day for anyone who is ever going to read this entry! And remember that you have happy choices! <3

The Meaning of It ALL..

When I was going through my darkest days, I questioned my will to live. Nobody should suffer that way in any lifetime. I felt a heavy heart and and nothing I did felt right. I had no one that understood the conflict and pain that was going on in me. Throughout the whole process of getting slowly sicker, getting rejected from doctors, friends and family, finding an endo, going through the tests, labs and scans, having surgery, then waiting for recovery--- It felt like it was too much to handle. I felt weak. People told me that I must be strong to still be holding on but I felt like any moment I would let myself slip away and find peace with God.

After all of the suffering, I did not know what I suffered for. Until this happened....

 

 ^sorry I couldn't get the whole message! But I replied to your recent email today!! Stay strong <3

 ^ When I started getting emails, messages, and comments from people (I am keeping their indentity anonymous) who are in the same position I was a few years back. These people are suffering, falling apart, and are on the brink of breaking. They need an answer to it all. That is when I realize my purpose of  all the suffering was to be here for these people, write this blog and tell them, I understand what they are going through. And am the example for them to know that if they hold on, they WILL be okay. These past few months have been getting better. and everyday I am getting stronger inside and out. I never knew how weak I was until I realized how much strength I do have now. If that makes any sense! lol. The weakness, suffering and pain is somehow becoming the strength I have within myself now. I just want to thank again to the recovered women who told me I will be okay. I remember life felt so pointless. My hair was falling out, my face was full of cystic pimples and scars, my face looked like a heavy saggy mask, my body was swollen. I felt like I would never get back to the way I use to look. But the amazing thing is that, I feel more beautiful than ever now than  before. I don't know how it is possible after going through hypercortolism. Maybe it took all of this for me to find strength and self love. I want to thank you for all the people who have reached out to me. And thankyou for reading my blog. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't know the meaning of it all and finding the peace inside myself. So please stay strong and I will be there whenever you guys need an ear, a prayer, or an answer or anything. <3

Here are some links for when you want to read more about other patient's stories and you can contact the recovered patients:

http://csrf.net/living-with-cushings/patient-stories/

http://www.cushings-help.com/toc.htm 

http://cushings.invisionzone.com/ 

My Battle with Depression, Suicide & Stuck Up Betches

I've been fighting with depression for a very long time. In the past as a young child, I was bullied for my weight. Everyone called me fat and ugly in elementary school. My family was not too well off so I didn't have nice materialistic things so I was bullied for that too. It doesn't help to have vain, judgmental, abusive people around while growing up either. (not my parents) of course.With all of that being said I am growing into a woman of my own and do not call myself victim to these experiences however they do make me more predispose to the likelihood of being depressed.

Chubs

Life in general felt rough to me. I had no one to tell me what was right and wrong and usually I would make the "wrong" choices. I did lose weight when I got to middle school and found a bit more self esteem and made some friends. Still, I felt awkward and I was not comfortable in my own skin. When Highschool rolled around I blossomed into a young lady and shedded the awkward phase. Not to say my blonde phase wasn't awkward! lol anways, I joined rotc, sports, cheerleading, and extra curriculars to validate that I was accepted socially. I did pageants and other stuff on the side to feel more beautiful. All those things did temporarily void my emptiness however when it was over, so was my little life. Then I would go on to find other things to temporarily fix the void. Deep down I was still the scared little fat kid.

In the beginning of University I made a lot of new friends and partied a little too hard. Which is OK because we all go through that phase and nobody can judge us for wanting to have fun and enjoy life. However I lost sight of who I was. I put away the scared fat kid to become another persona which everyone seemed to enjoy. But those days I have to say that I didn't like what I was becoming. I was hanging out with bullies. The people who inflicted pain in me when I was young were now the people I called friends. I hated them but mostly I just hated myself... I drank & smoked the pain away. Finally reality hit me that I don't want to be that way anymore. I stopped seeing these certain people (not all) and decided its time for some soul searching. I never felt more depressed and alone at that point. I chalked all those sad emotions up to my losses. But something deeper was hurting.

A year later I was hurting inside. I hurt so much that I stopped going out at all. I stopped seeing family members who put me down and I stopped self medicating. I was going insane with my anxiety that was growing so strong. I was paranoid and felt like I had a demon inside of me. I began to look in the mirror to see a face I didn't recognize. My face was getting swollen, cushinoid, acne all over down to my neck. I stopped getting a period and stopped feeling like I was a woman. I felt like a monster. I had intense feelings of mood swings and did not know why. I felt more depressed, anxious, and rapid heartbeat. I was so fatigued. I saw it in my eyes. I blamed myself for becoming that way. I must have been a terrible person to deserve this. Family & others shamed me for looking that way. Nobody was supportive or there for me. I will never forget the day this irrelevant person called me fat in front of my boyfriend and laughed in my face. You had your chance to make it right with me, and you haven't. I forgive you, but I will never forget what you did to me. Because of you, I started having suicidal thoughts. It's not because they called me fat. It's the fact that someone had that much hate at me to say that to my face in front of other people then laugh about it when nobody asked for their opinion. But whatever happened was in a way a good thing. Atleast it helped me hit rock bottom.. Well, I was already at rockbottom before that. That was just kicking someone when they are down.

                  This was my pain, please do NOT attempt. If you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or others, please contact immediate help or hotline!!

Everyone has inner pain, and inner demons they fight. Most people can hide it from the things they do everyday but whatever that was happening to me was about to come out. I was falling apart. One night I started getting panic attacks. It was the worst feeling ever. The next time I had a panic attack I decided I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE. I took a lot of sleeping pills and walked out to the third floor balcony. I said a prayer to God, "please forgive me but I can't live my life feeling this way anylonger" and sat on the railing of the balcony ready to end the pain. Luckily Muffin saw me and held on to me. My second attempt was when I started cutting. I made a cut for each pain I felt. Then Muffin caught me and told me I needed to see someone to figure out what was wrong with me. I told him I hated myself and my life and he said, "listen to me, you are not yourself this past year, you are a good person, you're not yourself and we will figure it out." I thank him everyday for telling me I needed to find help and it wasn't me. When I finally went through the months of diagnosing Cushing's things were not easy but it made me feel so much better that I had an answer to why I felt that way.

After surgery I expected to feel better immediately but instead I felt worse. Due to extreme low levels I was getting even more depressed and anxiety. But it was different this time. It was intense and I had crazy CRAY CRAY thoughts. Anyways I decided to seek help of other patients and hear their story and most people are the same as in "be prepared for the long recovery". I will say the sadness took a turn at month 5. The feelings became less intense. I felt more at ease. The little things don't bother me anymore. I smile more than have strange negative thoughts. Then two weeks ago from today, I felt REALLY good. I can't explain it. Sure, I'm probably still more prone to moods than a normal person but that's okay. Atleast I am on my way to brighter days. I am not "there" yet most definitely. Here's my advice for depressed person or Cushies before, during, after: Get a psychologist, get meds from a psychiatrist, talk to a counselor. Seek advice from other patients including ME! I would love to answer any questions you have. IT DOES NOT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. I am not myself yet but I am getting close to an even better version! I'm so glad I did not give into the darkness and there is better things to come. I want to thank all of the people who gave me advice that I will feel better in time. You guys were right!

I wish I could tell my old self that I am good enough as I am. Everything will be alright. Just be yourself and everything else will follow. I'm thankful to have been through the sadness because now, I have room for happiness. I've been slowly peeling back the layers or false belief and pain and revealing the wonderful thing that we all are. Perfectly imperfect Purrrfection!